Three weeks into my relationship with Stunner we both had previously planned out of town/country trips that put us on two different continents. I went to Chicago for 6 days for my best friends wedding & he went to Europe for 2 weeks with his best friend. I really couldn't figure out how I felt about it. This was a new place for me. I knew I would miss him, a lot, but I also knew I would be busy those 6 days in a city that I love & spending time with some of my greatest friends. Throw that in with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to have a relationship, I kinda just put it in a back corner of my brain & tried not to dwell too much on it.
The day we said "see you soon" to each other was an unexpectedly emotional one for me. We both exchanged gifts. And as I drove to work that morning, I was sad, but somewhere inside me I knew that this might very well be the last trip we both went on apart from each other. I made my way to the Windy City that night, and as I flew away from him, I settled on the knowledge that this would be an important journey for each of us. I knew I was standing on the brink of what was & what could be.
You see- vulnerability is not easy for me. I have lived most of my life behind walls and barriers. I haven't let a lot of people all the way in. The scariest part for me was needing him. I had prayed & waited for what felt like forever, and now I was staring at the real, tangible, and physical representation of what I had prayed my guts out for- for years. I didn't doubt that God had something amazing for me, but I had just gotten so used to what my life was. That life was something I could've done for the rest of my life. I fit into that life. Thinking about moving beyond that really scared me! It was and still is sometimes the oddest feeling. I've said over and over that it is just a completely surreal experience.
I woke up early that first morning I was in Chicago. I made my way to the hotel lobby & found a quiet nook perfect for some alone time. I settled in and read the first letter from Stunner. Instantly all my fears were tamed. Every morning for those two weeks, I cried over those letters. Not because each of them had some overly emotional verbiage, but because on each one was a little piece of his heart. (And there were sweet and precious gifts too and those were great as well!) BUT his words are & will forever be my favorite!
Words have long been the biggest area of vulnerability for me. Saying how I feel. He can't read my mind and if I don't say it, I can't expect him to know how I feel. Over those two weeks (thanks to iMessage) we were able to talk to each other, which was like a breath of fresh air to me! We were what felt like a million miles apart, and while I terribly missed the physical nearness of him, I feel like that time apart really helped solidify the importance of communication & vulnerability in me. I realized that I wanted & ultimately I needed to make myself as vulnerable as possible. And as scary as vulnerability is, I knew with every fiber of my being that not being vulnerable was even scarier. Being in a relationship & doing it the right way- being open and vulnerable- is the scariest yet most exhilarating experience I have ever had. Loving someone enough to say, here are my ugly parts & being able to trust them with that is hard. Life is hard. I will say this, hard with someone else is easier than hard all alone and it is utterly worth it.
