Two Rotations Around The Sun

It's been 730 days. 

730 days in the new normal. 

730 days since my world was turned upside down. 730 days that I haven't been able to call, or write, or joke, or laugh with you. That chuckle- I miss that, along with the rough feel of your hands. I miss your voice & you getting upset with me for almost scratching your sunglasses. Or getting hay all over your car. I miss riding around with the windows down. I miss your voice. I miss our conversations. I miss pancakes at Cracker Barrel & you testing my salsa at Mexican restaurants. I miss talking about our hopes and dreams. 

I just miss you. 

But I'm not the same person I was 731 days ago, I'll never be that girl again and the new normal feels much more comfortable now. I fought it for a long time. But I didn't want to let go. I see now just how necessary letting go is. It taught me a lot. Letting go of you taught me how to love relentlessly. How to be kind. That people need other people. That we must show up. That we must serve. That letting go and doing these things are how we heal. For the last 2 years I've drawn close to The Lord, I let him heal my broken heart. And the result is an indescribable freedom, wholeness, and a closeness I've always wanted.

The hole your death left in my chest is just a whisper of emptiness now, and I know soon it will close up, but I will carry the scar of loving & losing you forever.

Today I celebrate your life & your story- it's important & it matters. I celebrate who you were to me & everything you've taught me, even in death. 

Tell Me How To Wait Better

I am on a road trip this weekend to attend wedding showers for a dear friend of mine, whose wedding is in April, and in which I am a bridesmaid. And here's where the honesty begins- I didn't want to come. I wrestled with myself for 2 days and I had so much anxiety about it. You see if I'm being completely honest- I want my own turn. I want my dream come true fairytale life. I am tired of watching everyone else get the thing that they desperately want. It gets really really hard to continue to show up, and put on a smile, and celebrate when there are days I feel like I will never get that. And I know I preach: "Embrace your singleness, Live your life!" And I DO! I love my life and I am blessed to be able to live it really well! But that still doesn't ever fully satiate my want of a spouse. Not because I think my spouse will complete me, I am complete in Him. But because I desire to do life with someone by my side. Someone I can turn to when it gets too hard & they will carry me. Someone who will hug me, hold my hand, cook me dinner, and check the oil in my car. And do/be a lot of other things for me too!

The silence of waiting for that is deafening. But there is no choice BUT to wait. I just wish someone would tell me how to wait better. Give me something to do with all this extra energy that my brain uses up trying to figure this out on my own. Then a still small voice says be still. Wait. There is not just better up ahead, there is BEST. And ultimately that is what I want- the BEST. I am reminded of the words of a sweet friend: "In time, perfect time. Not late. Not less. Not cheated. Not the leftovers. But the stored-up-for-you abundance that He’s planning even now." That's what I get when I show up, even when I am empty and broken. Abundance. God hasn't set me aside- He's set me apart. So I'll continue to show up.