WORTHY

Alright LADIES. Here it is, the key to your singleness, my singleness, and the happiness of everyone around you WHILE we are single: Know how W.O.R.T.H.Y. you are! I know you’ve heard it said a million times, but this time I mean it- this is the single most imperative thing you can do and I am going to give you six steps  that will help you achieve your greatest potential while you are single.

W- Work hard for what you want. We are not Chicken Little and the sky isn’t falling on your head and neither will any awesome career/friends/husband/life for that matter. You have to get up everyday and know what you want and WORK your hind end off for it. That doesn’t mean that it will be easy, but start where your passion lies. It will grow. If you don’t know what you want, start trying to figure it out. Make a list of things you have interest in and start there. And don’t listen to the negative- you know what you are capable of.

O- Own your own life. Own every piece of it-the good, the bad, and the ugly. When you make a mistake, learn from it. Don’t make the same mistake twice. When you have a great achievement- celebrate it. When you are sad- let yourself feel it & then call all your girlfriends over for movies and ice cream. When you are happy- slide your sunroof open and drive home singing Katy Perry as loud as you can. But whatever state you find yourself in during any given day- own it. It’s your life, you’re living it now and we won’t get a do over.

R- Remember who YOU are. This is a biggie for me. I constantly have to battle myself on the subject of body image. I am happy with myself, but I often wonder what my life would be like if I were a little skinnier. I’d venture to guess that I probably wouldn’t have to rely on my quick wit as much- but I really like my wit, and sarcasm, and my expressive laughter- so I don’t let my mind linger there too often. The thing is- I am my own person, no one is thinking about how I look, or what I said, or the fact that I ate three cookies (instead of the two that everyone else ate) more than I am. No one cares that much about those trivial things! If you surround yourself with positive, loving, life giving people- they just love spending time with you. They don’t care if you didn’t eat your pizza crust, or if you have a bleach stain on your shirt- they just want you. Focus on You and being the best version of yourself. Always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.

T- Take time for yourself. Oh I am awful at this. I think this is a trap as a single woman that I fall into quite a bit. You see I don’t have a spouse or a family to come home to, so that leaves me wide open for over commitment. And more often than not- I over commit. Recently my precious friend Audi over at “How to Make a Biscuit” moved away and was coming to town to visit, she very hesitantly (knowing my affinity to over commit) asked me to host an Arbonne party. At first I was super gung-ho- and really I wanted to do it just because I wanted to spend time with her, but I started thinking about how I was going to be able to fit it in. I got really worked up about it. I finally decided I would do what I could, but I couldn’t promise a big soiree, and she was completely fine with that. I had to commit to what I could do, even if that meant nothing. We have to remember to take time for us. For me that means spending an evening catching up on mindless tv and doing laundry. It could mean anything for you, but just make sure you take that time. It isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

H- Have fun. This summer was a super fun summer for me. Two of my best friend’s came to town & for three weeks straight I acted like a 12 year old. I went to the arcade, dropped parachute men off the balconies of condos, I car sang at the top of my lungs, and stayed up late laughing and talking into the wee hours of the morning. I had fun and having fun makes me a happy and much nicer person. (And PUHLEASE trust me when I say the world really works better when I am a happier and nicer person.)

Y- You matter.

You matter. You matter. You Matter. You Matter. If I could fill this whole page up with that phrase, it still wouldn’t be enough for some people to get it. BUT know that you matter, every hair on your head, every freckle on your skin, every idea, every thing you speak, and everything you do MATTERS. We are all irreplaceable players in this great story of life and it all matters. It is part of a bigger plan and your hopes and dreams and YOU MATTER. Don’t ever think for a nanosecond that you don’t.

So there you have it ladies.

You are Worthy.

Live and breathe and dwell in your worthiness. 

LeeAnna, In the Middle.

I had an amazing opportunity given to me this weekend to go to a fantastic women's conference. As we set out I knew God had something else for me. He'd already done so much at a previous conference last month- but I knew He would do something big here as well. 

As many of you who read this blog know that the last couple of years for me have been hard, at best. But God has recently been moving me, stirring me, and speaking to me in a way like never before! 

I felt a shift at that first conference- a call to whole heartedly pursue my dreams & what God is ultimately calling me to- to use my talents and to tell my story. This second conference was about him releasing me to freedom. Freedom from my shame. Freedom to do what He's called me to do. Freedom to live & love as a beautiful glorious Princess- the Daughter of an Almighty King! During the second day of the conference we got to hear from the amazingly talented and hilarious Charlotte Gambill!! First I'll say that she is British, and secondly I'll say that I am obsessed with her & the way God used her to speak to me! She spoke about being "in the middle". About how we as Christians  (much like Jesus' disciples on the way to Bethsaida) just cop out in the middle of our trials & storms & issues. We would rather go backwards through all the junk we've already paddled through- just to not have a struggle. When what we need to do is trust that in our need He will get in the boat with us. That we have rely on God's instruction & take one more stroke toward that new shore & towards the new things God has for us. And while she was speaking I really felt this peace just wash over me. Life had been so hard for me recently, but I took heart in the fact that even though I wanted to give up a trillion times- I didn't. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I kept moving forward because as much as every fiber of my being was straining against the weight of my 'middle' I knew that if I stopped- I would die there. And I knew that wasn't how God or I wanted the story to end. That I had persevered- that was the point. God consistently continued to say to me in those dark days: lay all your hurts, and shame, and anger, and bitterness, and regrets, and pain, and sense of failure on this shore- get in the boat and follow me. This road won't be easy-but I am with you always. So I did. I cried out. I laid myself down. I picked up my cross. I followed. 

And this weekend as I worshipped and drew close to The Lord with all those women- He freed me. He said you've reached the other shore. You are free. You made it. Be free.

God has been urging me to use my talents and passion to draw close to Him. To lay what I want aside and to just pursue Him. To let Him open my eyes to needs and perspectives and situations I've never seen or experienced. 

A huge part of my life is that I'm the "thirty year old virgin". I'm 100% ok with that! God is teaching me that my emotional & physical and spiritual purity are the greatest gifts I could ever offer to anyone. God is asking me to fully embrace my singleness. To move within it. To speak out about purity. To honor God with my singleness, and use the talents He's given me to do that. 

So this October 14th (my 31st birthday) the new and vastly improved blog/tumblr will go live. It will be about many things but it will mainly focus on being a single Godly woman in this day and age. 

You can find us at thegoldandthepearl.tumblr.com

I am beyond excited about where this is going and where God is going to take all of us- as we as His cherished, beloved, smart, talented women take up our cross and follow Him.

Land or Sea

I don't really have words today. I miss my friend. I'm still hurt. I'm still angry. But I still choose to celebrate him. 

I'll let this song share my heart- it will do a better job than I would do right now.

Land or Sea

Sleeping at Last

One day we'll wake up and realize- To make any difference one must simply try.

Try to use words less than our hands,

For change is a direct result of our plans.

We've got no stakes in the ground.

We've got no anchors tied down.

Land or sea, there are no guarantees here, we know.

There is nothing but our fears of being free.

It feels deeper than any ocean floor,

Our lungs no longer believe in any shore.

So let's dry out our clothes and catch our breath. Our process implies our progress.

We've got no stakes in the ground.

We've got no anchors tied down.

Land or sea, there are no guarantees here, God knows.

There is nothing but our fears of being free.

Finally, there's a mountain beneath us.

But up here our lungs fight against us.

Land or sea, there are no guarantees here.

God knows there is nothing but our fears.

Happy Birthday my friend!!

When Everybody Loves You- You Could Never Be Lonely.

After Adam died I needed something to help me be okay. 

I didn't want to be numb- but I'm melancholy and depression comes easily to me- so I needed some help not slipping over the edge. I looked at a million options- pharmaceuticals, herbs, diet changes- I settled on counseling and an herbal supplement (recommended by Dr. Oz). That combination worked for me. 

I worried about what people thought. 

I remembered every conversation I ever heard as a child growing up about the phenomenon of anti-depressants and how you should just pray through it instead of giving in to those "drugs". 

I'm here to say- sometimes life throws a curveball so fast and so furious that you can't "just get over it" or "pray your way through it". It's too much. You're completely depleted. 

It took every single ounce of energy to wake up and make it through my work day without turning into a sobbing emotional mess. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't have prolonged conversation with people. I went to work, came home, put my pajamas on, & got in the bed with ice cream most nights. (Side note: a bowl of ice cream nightly is actually a pretty good anti-depressant!) 

This regimen lasted for several weeks. I gave myself time. When you walk through such tragic grief- time is the only thing that is constant- it continues on whether you want it to or not. It can be your friend and it can be your enemy. BUT- Time really does heal all wounds if you let it. 

But in that time- I changed. 

I became a braver, kinder, stronger version of myself. I learned I could do hard things. And I did one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I also carry the scar of losing someone I loved dearly. And that scar is not a typical scar. It can scab over and then be ripped open with no warning at all. It's excruciatingly painful- but it's necessary. 

I have wanted to throw in the towel more times than I even care to count. I wanted someone to take away this pain. The tears. The heartache. But no one came. In the quiet of the night when the silence and my mountain of unanswered questions became too much to bear- it was just me and God. I journaled a lot. I wrote Adam letters. I was angry with him- I told him that. I told him how much I missed him. I said goodbye. I prayed. I worshipped. I cried. And the pain never went away- it became a part of who I am. The new normal.

I love that God gives you exactly what you need despite how desperately you want something different. He has walked alongside me during this entire journey. And I have been so blessed to have so many amazing friends who have touched my life over the years and especially through my heartache. I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with many people that I love over the last two weeks. Firstly my dear sweet friend Mandy came to town. She is so precious to me. We were roommates and are soul sisters- we can talk about anything. And we do. There are no pretenses. We cut to the bottom line with each other. Always. It was so refreshing to have her here. To talk about what has happened. The say Adams name and not worry that I was going to ruin someone else's day. To talk about him & remember the fun & not just the tragic. 

Two days after Mandy left my best friend Logan came to town. He came to deal with a family emergency-and I am so honored to have walked with him through life's ups and downs for the last 20 years. He is truly my brother & I love that we just know each other.

Then my best friend from college came into town with his family for vacation- I usually spend time with them every year, but this year they came to Orange Beach instead of Panama City. They landed on my turf, and it made me extremely happy. There is zero room for a facade with the Lansdons. I am a part of their family. I love them with my whole heart and sitting in my beach chair relaxing and talking with some of my dearest friends was exactly what I needed. To just relax. To not have my guard up. 

Too much of this new normal is spent with a shield protecting me. I hate it, but opening myself up again is nearly unbearable. I can deal with what I have right now. But new is too hard. So I tend to shut myself off from new relationships. I am working on it though. Slowly. There is a part of me that wants to forget Adam. To forget this tragedy is a part of my story. To forget the pain that suicide has caused me. To go back to my life before him. But when it comes down to it- I can't. There is too much good. Too much fun. Too much laughter. And too many tears. As much as I long to heal this lingering heartbreak and go back to the girl I was before he entered my life- I can't. So I live on- I carry the scar of the pain & I show up for other people. I remember to be brave. I remember to be kind- for everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. I continue to rest- in the presence of people who love me, in who I am, in the goodness and perfect timing of God. And then I get up and try again. Time is on my side. Time heals all wounds. As my friend Glennon taught me: Show up. Be brave. Be kind. Rest. Try again. 

On Comfort

I love comfort food.
There is nothing I like more when it's rained for 3 days to curl up on the couch with a huge bowl of hot cheesy macaroni and watch Netflix.

I like comfy clothes.
I am still waiting for it to be wholly acceptable to wear exercise pants to work everyday.

I like to be comforted.
When I am upset, angry, or sad- I want to be comforted. There is something about being told your feelings are valid, just, and true that makes it better.

I like to comfort others.
I want to listen and console them. I want them to know they aren't alone--ever. Things will get better.

Last week one of my dearest little lambs (lamb is a pet name I use for my "special" people in my life) whom I love so much, got thrown into that completely overwhelming sea of grief. As soon as I found out I was instantly overwhelmed with grief for her.

My heart broke.

That sea is harsh and unrelenting and you NEVER want someone you love that much to be carelessly tossed into it.

But the thing about it is this- that sea is full of God's faithfulness. FULL OF IT.

I went to be with her and her family and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I was so blessed to see her and all of her friends come together to honor their dear friend. I was honored to be able to be there and help them do what needed to be done.

I was able to comfort in the way I had been comforted. And comfort comes in a million different forms while you swim aimlessly in the sea of grief. One day it's someone bringing food. Another day it's someone taking you to lunch. Then it's someone doing your laundry. And sweeping your floors. Other days it's people coming to be with you even if you sit in silence.
Comfort is everywhere- you just have to want it.

I look back on the last year and a half and I am SO AMAZED at how far God has brought me.
I remember those first few hours and thinking there was no way I was going to make it through this.
I really doubted God, myself, and everyone around me.
But God had other plans.
He promises to never give us more than we can bear.
He teaches us how I bend and not break.
He teaches us how to rely on His grace and mercy and sovereignty.

If we let Him- He comforts us.

That pain- it never goes away.
But it changes.
It lessens over time.
It becomes something you can use to comfort others.

"The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will." (Isaiah 50:4 NLT)

After the flood all the colors come out.

Life is messy.
Life is fun
Life is hard.
And life is beautyFULL.
I love my life:
I love every ounce of joy and pain.
Every second of confusion and certainty.
Every time I make the right or wrong decision.
All the struggles and ALL the victories.
I love it because I own it. It is mine.
Every single piece.
I am a super social person. I love being with and around people. I love conversation and honesty. I love being real. For a lot of my life I wasn't the real me. I was what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Somewhere I realized I am free to be me. God made me in His image and when I am not myself I am hindering someone from seeing God. So now I love hard, laugh loud, and live my life- for me!

I am a single 30 year old. I
don't mean single like I'm not currently in a relationship... I mean-I have never had a boyfriend.
I have never been on a date.
I have never been pursued romantically by a guy.
Yet- I yearn to be married.
And here I am living in a place with zero prospects. And I don't feel sorry for myself about it, but the other day I was talking with a friend about how I desire marriage & if that isn't what God has for me, for Him to take that desire away. We talked for a bit about relationships and marriage and life and then kind of left it. But late that night as I was praying I began thinking about what I know to be true:
God gives us the desires of our hearts. But ultimately God desires US.

I have always and will always want my desires to match Gods. So as I was praying and seeking God- I had a revelation. God will never take my desire of a marriage away- because that's what I was created for. I am Christ's bride and if I never ever get to wear a beautiful wedding dress and walk down an aisle and be a princess for a day, if I never see the wedding I have dreamed about take place here on earth- that's ok. I get to have a wedding by a glassy sea. To a king. And that's the one worth waiting for. Eternity. In heaven. I am totally ok with that. I'd almost prefer it... almost. :)
Like I said life is messy and too many times in a day, a week, a month, I take my heart and mind off of what I know is true! God is my first love. Always and forever. God desires me. I must look to Him. I must seek and honor Him in all things. And I have Him and that's all I need.

"What you don't have, you don't need it now." U2

Lofty Heights

This morning was cleaning morning. Namely pool cleaning morning- my pool is my arch nemesis. But I started early & let the Polaris do most of the work. I set about vacuuming and stripping beds. I came outside to check on everything just a little while ago as I noticed it was getting fairly overcast. I walked into the backyard and realized the wind had picked up. Rain is coming. I decided that now would be the best time to get the magic eraser out to clean the pool stairs. So I started scrubbing. I stood up as I finished and saw a hawk soaring on the gusts of wind. I stood and stared for several minutes.
I envied that bird.
He wasn't spending time cleaning pools or kitchens or doing laundry.
He was soaring.
The part that had me so enamored was that he wasn't doing any of the work. He was just utilizing the force of the wind. There was no flapping of the wings. He just postured his wings straight out his body was straight and he utilized the wind to move him wherever it wanted.
He had no agenda.
He just wanted to enjoy this small moment of time where he didn't have to exert any extra force.
It's a parallel to our relationship with God.
God says, posture yourself before me- I'll do all the work, but LET ME. Surrender yourself to the wind & don't fight it. SOAR on it. ENJOY IT. We shouldn't have an agenda about what we want God to do. We just move where he sends us. But too often we take back control & say "God you almost crashed me into that tree- I'm gonna flap my wings now and fly myself."

We don't trust.

"But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Take a little time to soar in His presence today!

Upon The Waters

Today is April Fools Day.

I started today with a quote: "Trust no one today & believe nothing that is said."
April Fools is a big deal for some people, practical jokers and comedians alike.
I am gullible & will believe most anything within reason. Many people have gotten me really good-so many times, I always outright trust that they are telling the truth.

I will trust others but I can't trust myself.

Trust is such a huge issue for me. I struggle more in my Christian walk in that area than anywhere else. Which is sad because its all about trust and faith and hope and mercy and love. But I'm saying more so that I don't trust myself. I am flesh and bone with a spirit inside of me that just longs for home- and this broken and bruised earth isn't it. And too many days I let the fear of the wrong decisions haunt me. I doubt. I worry. But in the same breath I am begging God to take me deeper. To call me into something mysterious and wonderful. To give me this great and mighty testimony to live. But my trust issues come creeping in. I get stuck. I get scared. I'm Peter. I'm totally Peter.

But as I think back to Easter. To the Power that is mine because of Jesus' sacrifice. My hope is renewed. My faith increases. My trust becomes firm instead of wavering. God has never failed me. His promises are true. He walks beside me.

I know that I can step out of the boat. That He is trustworthy and true. I am His daughter. He loves me and wants greatness for me. So if He calls me down the street or to the ends of the Earth I walk in the power of His resurrection and His sovereignty. He will never lead me to something He hasn't equipped me for.

In His presence my faith is made stronger and ultimately complete. And it all starts with the trust to make that first step. My feet may fail me- but I took the step.

He is there. He is ready for my doubt. Even my failures. He assures me He is in control. And I stop and look and realize that I am continually living out the story God has written for me and it all hinges on my trust in Him. I know His ways are just and true and right. And I continue to walk out upon the waters. Wherever He leads I follow. Oceans deep and rivers wide- I'm out upon the waters.

I am His & He is mine.

You're Hot Then You're Cold

There are times that I need to remind myself that being single isn't a curse-that this freedom that I have now, won't last forever. So today I'm going to write myself some reminders about how to be completely fantastic in life, whether dating or not.
So ladies, here you go. I'm letting you in on my reminders and tips in no certain order!!!
-Be Comfortable. In who you are. In where you are. In what you do. In what you wear. I literally cannot stress this enough. It's the foundation of everything you do & if you're uncomfortable all the time, you won't get very far. For instance right now I am wearing a really uncomfortable pair of jeans. I don't know why- well actually I do, I need to do laundry. BUT I say all that to say- it makes me insecure when I'm not comfortable & when I'm insecure all I can think about is putting on stretchy clothes and laying on the couch and watching Parenthood.
-Be Yourself. reminds me of the Oscar Wilde quote: "Be yourself everyone else is already taken." Ladies it's TRUE!!! I will be the first person to tell you, I LOVE fashion magazines. But I also know what my body is capable of & short of removing both lungs, stomach, intestines and my entire butt- I WILL NEVER BE A SIZE ZERO!!!!! & I am completely and totally ok with that. I could stand to be healthier, but "skinny" will never be my goal. Take those fashions & styles & tweak them into your own. Learn what works for your body. Be comfortable (see above if you still don't know how to do that!) Also Find something you love & be passionate about it. What makes your heart smile? What could you do for the rest of your life? Think about it! Work toward it! Don't fall into the trap of changing to attract or get close to someone. it.never.works. One day you'll forget that Joe Schmoe doesn't like onions (you've been avoiding them for weeks because of this) you'll go to dinner eat a million onions & BAM! you've now outed yourself. Be yourself, if you want to eat onions, eat them! Bottom line- Don't change who you are for a guy. Just don't do it, okay?
-Stop Having a Public Fit About Being Single. I will admit I still struggle with this sometimes. It's one thing to be with your girlfriends with a glass of wine after a romantic movie and complain that you want a guy to come pick you up on a lawnmower or in a stretch limo or on a white horse. It's an entire new ballgame when you take that complaining to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even Pinterest. (yes, you! with your "secret" boards!!) Complaining is still complaining even when no one hears or sees it!! AND guess what that cute guy that's Facebook stalking you... he sees it & it's a complete turn off.
-Don't Date to Date. Lets have an honesty moment. Girls go from sitting down to dinner with a guy & ordering an appetizer to being married by the main course. Ladies- THAT'S NOT REAL LIFE!!! Control your thoughts. Not every guy you go to dinner with will you go to dinner with again- for sure you won't get married to him!! Chill the flip out!! If a guy asks you to dinner, or a movie, or bowling, or mini-golf that's okay. Go. Have fun. Enjoy not paying for dinner for once- but keep your emotions in check. Just be yourself. Don't talk about marriage, or wanting 16 kids, or the fact that you have 7 cats. Ask questions. engage. Be all in. PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY! Ask about what their favorite color, band, place they've visited, what the craziest thing they've done is. Talking will go away if we don't continue to do it.
-Know Whats Going On. Watch the news. & No E!News doesn't count! Pay attention to whats going on in the world. This is a good habit to be able to hold a conversation on a date/dinner party/social situation. This is a good habit to have as a Human! Our generation relies too much on social media & not enough on News Media.
-Enjoy Your Freedom. Guess what!?! If you want to get on a plane and go to Paris, or London, or Bangkok, or Rio De Janeiro- YOU CAN. You just get a ticket and go. You don't have to coordinate schedules. Or worry about someone having a fit because your not there. You're free to roam. Embrace that freedom.
Live your life now. It doesn't start when you start dating or when you get married. It's Happening NOW!!!

Stop This Runaway Car

As I have discussed a million times... I am a runner. Things get hard, or messy, or scary, or have any semblance of being something I can't handle- I run.

Well, I used to run.

The last several years of my life have been about learning to plant my feet and stay.

Staying means being vulnerable.

For a long time I was okay with barricades and walls built around myself with locks and thrown away keys- if it meant I didn't have to be vulnerable.

Something happened as I got older- I got TIRED. Tired of being the gatekeeper, the watchmen, the soldier, and the runner.
I just wanted to be myself.

The problem: I didn't know who I was.

I had lived my life for so many other people my whole life. My life was built on a foundation of sinking sand. And ultimately when you want to figure yourself & your life out- you have to be vulnerable. For me that meant consistency. And brokenness. And tearing down walls. And no running. It meant I had to work hard. I had to confess failures. Seek forgiveness. Apologize. I had to fully own my mistakes.

I hated it at first. I opened my life up and so much junk had to come out and had to be dealt with.

Yep- running is so much easier!
So MUCH easier!!!

But I planted my feet and stayed. I dug in. I learned who I am. I learned who God is. I learned what love is. I learned how to be intentional. I learned how to be genuine. I learned how to have joy.

Sure in the midst of the purging I was bitter and hateful and of course none of it was my fault. But as continued to stand firm, my heart softened.
I was bent but I didn't break.

That's the trick in life be flexible enough that even under insurmountable pressure- you bend. Learn not to break. Learn to stay. Be vulnerable. Let people in.

Fear gives you two options in life:
Forget everything and run or
Face everything and rise.
Won't you just stay?

You Are The Moon That Pulls Me Through The Night

This post is about gratitude.
And love.
And acceptance.
And saying thank you.
And saying goodbye.
There were many days I didn't think I'd survive this year.
It was by far one of the hardest of my life.
But as I have said many times- you've got to keep moving.

There are a lot of people that helped me through so many dark nights, that led me out of grief and sorrow into the joy of the morning!! So I will begin with my gratitude and thanks.

Traci Calvert- thank you. Thank you for loving me enough to call me & make sure I was ok. For literally coming to get me! Tragedy brought our friendship to an entire new level and I am so thankful for it! I cherish every moment we've spent together- good and bad!

Cathy & Craig- there are no words... Thank you is not even good enough. For the late night talks, for the piano, for the rose, for everything...You two made sure I was safe and comfortable and that means more than you will ever know! You are my family!

Summer & Ricky- Summer, I am so thankful for your support, your honesty, and the laughter & the crazy situations we find ourselves in- they are always good medicine! I am thankful they happen with you, and I'm thankful we can always laugh at ourselves! Ricky- you are truly such a brother to me! Always open and supportive and caring! Thank you for praying & being you!! I miss my Shaw family!!!

Colleene- for showing up. thank you. For sitting with me while I did hard things.

Karen- you are just you. I am eternally grateful for your love and support. always.

Rachel- for your secret plans to come here & for coming later, when I needed you to be here-thanks! I love you my sweet friend!

Trudi- you give so tirelessly to so many, you are a true blessing!!

Jen- my oldest and dearest friend. You've walked with me through it all, thank you for just being there. For asking the hard questions, and checking on me!

Megan & Kristen- our time together is irreplaceable! I love you both so much! I am so thankful for the miracles we experienced together.

Jenny- you prayed that this year would pass quickly, it did and I am so thankful for you, for that prayer, and that God answered it.

Mrs. Sara- For our small group family. For so many memories. For loving all of us. Thank You.

Gloria Ann & Michael- love you sweet little Hankins!!! so much!! You guys and your family are such a blessing to me!! I am thankful for our friendships!! I love laughing and being with you guys!!

Logan- You would've been here in hours, had I just said the word- thank you for being such an amazing brother to me.

Jenna- your love and laughter is always good for my soul!

Taryn- I just love you! Thanks for being there!

Pastor Fred & Liz- You guys continue to amaze me! I am thankful for your leadership. Liz thank you for supporting me & crawling under that piano with me.

Everyone who called, showed up, listened, and talked... thank you. Your love is a light.

Here we are a year later and I am in awe of God's continuous love, blessing, grace, and the things He has taught me.

I have prayed and prayed for something good to come from this. For God to take this tragic, heartbreaking story and turn it into something glory giving. A few nights ago, I was studying and praying while thinking about this milestone quickly approaching, and asking God again, "Lord, please let me see the positive!" and then I realized... I am living the positive for my life. Through these circumstances I have laid my life out bare and torn down my walls and moved through a process of grief that my mind told me to run away from. I have not only learned to lean on God, but actually leaned on Him. I know there is blessing and positive and good in that. If only for me.

The Night of Adam's death I wrote a blog about grief being a dark tumultuous sea. Oh How little I knew of what God would teach me about that sea and that darkness and how if we let Him, He always calms the storms.

The water and the waves and the storms and the clear awe inspiring full moons have all been a constant for the last year and the other night God helped me see why. In Luke 8:22 we read the very familiar account of Jesus calming the storm. I was reading this account the other night and God helped me have a revelation about what it meant for me, for this circumstance, and for the future. You see Jesus was with His disciples, they had been preaching and teaching all day it was starting to become night and Jesus said "Lets cross over to the other side." We know what happens- but I don't want to get ahead of myself! But in that statement He is literally asking them to leave the faith they had when they stepped into the boat there and move to another level. "Hey Guys! You don't know it yet but you're about to see another miracle and I am going to give you another opportunity to increase your faith... Get in this boat." They get in- Jesus is tired. He goes to take a nap. The storm comes- out of nowhere fast & furious! (much like life's trials and tribulations) They are in the middle of a dark tumultuous sea. And of course Jesus knows that this is going to happen. He's God remember! But the disciples are all like "Jesus is sleeping"... "He doesn't love us"... "We're going to die in this boat. Doesn't he care?"... "I'm wet and uncomfortable"... the panic rises... "WE ARE GOING TO DIE IN THIS DARK SCARY WATER!!"... "Where is Jesus?!?!"
Um, excuse me guys... remember- He's right there! In the hull of that boat. Sleeping. He never left you!

THAT. IS. ME. I am that disciple. I love Jesus, I followed Him into the boat. But at the very mention of something hard or something that makes me vulnerable or in a position where I have to give up control- there I am in the boat screaming and scared because I see a dark cloud and of course I haven't even felt a rain drop yet!!!

but Thankfully John, or Mark, or Luke- SOMEONE goes and wakes Jesus up & He speaks to calm the wind and the waves. The NIV in vs 39 says He said "Quiet, Be Still!!" and the wind died down and it was completely calm. Guys- HE CALMED THE STORM. but more importantly... He Said-Be Quiet. BE STILL. He never leaves. Even when we think we will die because it is so scary... still there and able to calm the storm and calm us in an instant. I love that. I want my faith to be such that when I face storms and difficulty, I KNOW to be still and quiet and that God is able to calm me and that storm!
Where is YOUR faith? Are you beaten down by the relentless wind and rain, and you are so tired and want to give up? Are you still in awe because Jesus just woke up and calmed your storm? Are you standing on the edge of that Lake thinking, I really want to get in that boat & follow Jesus, but what if He forgets about me?
Just know wherever you are- The Lord is there. He sees and knows your pain. He is your rescuer. Your Redeemer. Your Hope. Your future. He Calms the Storms.

I am sad that I got tossed into that sea of uncertainty. Adam I miss you terribly. You were a fantastic friend. Some of the greatest and funniest memories of my life- I have with you. I miss being able to talk to you. To hear you sing. You & Michael & Gunner coming to visit me at Starbucks. I miss sushi on Wednesday nights. Mainly I just miss you. This is goodbye and thank you. Thank you because I needed to let go. I needed to move my faith to the next level. God used this storm to do it. I hate it, but I'm thankful that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that I was still and I let God calm me. Still it is SO hard.
Goodbye my Friend. You are greatly missed. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Be Quiet and Still...

I will leave with this... an excerpt from another blog I follow that sums up how I feel about 2012 and the rest of 2013 much better than I could.

"This year was all about learning that all evidence to the contrary, I am safe. This year was about proving that nothing, but nothing can separate us from the love of God. Even if we die, we don't die. If our dreams die or our bodies die or our beloved dies- WE do not DIE. I know this.
               'In three words I can sum up what I know about life. It goes on.' -Robert Frost
Life has gone on and in the end I have learned this: My Peace is not dependent upon anyone else. Not anymore. My peace is God and God is as close as my decision to sneak away for a moment and find quiet and find my breath and remember that the music is always louder than the crying."

-Glennon Melton

His Love Never Fails. Never Gives Up. Never Runs Out.
He works all things together for my good.

All Good Things in 2013!!

XOXO
LJC :)