You Set Your Vast Affection Upon Me

This weekend Stunner and I went to a wedding. We actually got to go to it, neither of us had any responsibility at it, which was so nice. We arrived & my 27 dresses self is of course eyeing all things, and making sure we abide by all the "rules". We sat down and shortly after we arrived, this cute little girl who was all bows & curls & pearls strode over and started to say hi, but quickly realized that Stunner was in fact not her Uncle Dan. [its the beard, it gets people] She looked startled for a brief second but recovered quickly and she ended up sitting in front of us which was a delight for me because of what happened next. 

As people continued to enter the church & sit, the little girl and her sister would bounce between family members on their row, all the while asking "Where is the Bride?!?" and looking around waiting to see if they could find her. Her mom would gently shush her and say, "She's coming, she will come in just a minute." And they would continually glance to the back of the church in sweet anticipation. Finally after several moments, the music changed, the mothers stood & then the bride appeared. These sweet sisters craned their little necks to get a glimpse of the beautiful bride as she came down the aisle. And in the moment she passed by she said "There she is mommy, there's the Bride!!!"- the smile on her face was one of sheer joy! I smiled to myself, knowing how magical a wedding must feel at that age. It really is like a fairytale. 

In those quiet reflective moments as the entire room focused on a bride joining with her groom I began to think about the parallel of us as sinners, desperately loved and relentlessly pursued by a redeeming Savior. Like a man pursues a woman in a relationship with the intent to join with her as one, as a new creation in marriage, so God pursues us. All too often I lose sight of that. I get too busy, too distracted, too tired to look and watch and seek with anticipation. I'm not standing on a chair waiting for just a little glimpse of a beautiful bride in a white dress. I'm too distracted by the things that went wrong at work, or by the petty argument I got in with my sister, or a myriad of other things. Then there are these gentle reminders that God is still there, still pursuing me, still gently giving me grace & mercy when I desperately need it. 

That's the thing I think I am most thankful for- that God was there in the beginning. His character is exactly the same today as it was when he set the stars one by one in the sky. The same God who spoke the whole of creation into existence spoke me into existence. He knows my name, and He delights in me. He knows my deepest darkest fears & my greatest joys- and through it all, every single moment He is still the same. He is constant. He still pursues me. When I really stop to think about that- it completely humbles me & blows me away at the same time. 

My favorite thing at weddings isn't the fancy dresses, the flowers, or even the silly dances people do as they come down the aisle. My favorite thing is to watch the groom's face as he sees his bride coming towards him. It's such a sweet intimate moment and it's something that can't be denied, that joy, it's irreplaceable. I think that's how God feels about us- deep abiding love and overwhelming joy. His steadfast love rescues us and we become one for all eternity. In the end, really and truly, He is all we ever need. We just have to trust, we have to slow down & have faith, like a little child waiting for just a glimpse of the bride. I want to work hard to remember to have that childlike faith, to wait in anticipation, even for just a glimpse of the goodness of God- because it's everywhere, we just have to open our eyes and see it. 

We Might Live Like Never Before

I have always been a fan of sunsets. Before all you morning people get in a tizzy-Sunrises are great too but I am a self-professed non-morning person, so sunsets just naturally became my favorite. For me a sunset is this magical moment when time stops, you can enjoy the fact that another beautiful day is coming to an end. It's all beauty, and cotton candy clouds, and Gods majesty boldly on display in a fire colored sky. It's also a promise. Saying to us, this day is over and maybe you didn't get it right, or you missed something important, but tomorrow is another chance. Sunday afternoon sunsets are particularly my favorite. I've been at the beach with Stunner and his family this weekend & I vowed to myself that as long as I was here- I wouldn't miss a sunset. I've been privy to several. It has been so special to sit on a piece of driftwood on a cold beach & find myself after a long hectic week and watch the sun set on another day. It always makes me reflective yet so so grateful. You see life is brutal & beautiful. As my sweet Glennon would say it's brutiful. And it is. It so is. We all make mistakes, we all have faults, we all struggle, and I'm learning to remember that I need to be gentle with other people's shortcomings. I get 168 hours every week to show mercy & to bless people. 168 hours to walk humbly with those around me. 168 hours to love and to forgive. 168 hours to live my life. And I don't always get it right- unfortunately most of the time I don't. But that's the beauty of it- the sun sets and for about 15 minutes I adore the majesty of it and then it starts over. The cycle starts again. YOU GET ANOTHER CHANCE!!! We all have the same amount of time to do our lives. We all get the same chances to start over. I am especially grateful for the starting over. 

We are as infinite as the universe we hold inside

To hear my mother tell the story is a dramatic tale of rushed nerves, scary delivery, and a very sick baby. To me the story just means miracle after miracle after miracle. 

I was born 32 years ago. At 27 weeks. I was 3 months premature. I weighed 2 lbs and 2 ounces. The day after I was born I suffered a pulmonary hemorrhage which lead to chest tubes and incisions and huge things for a tiny baby. My father was on a plane to Saudi Arabia when I was born. (He aptly referred to me as his little shit for probably the first year of my life.) My mom was alone & terrified. 

The doctors told my mom that there was a large chance I wouldn't live through the night, I was very sick. If I did live it was almost certain that I would have many difficulties. 

Yet even then I rested in the hands of my Heavenly Father. 

My mom wasn't a Christian when I was born. She went around the corner from the NICU called my great grandmother who prayed with her. She begged God to let me live, and vowed that she would make sure that I knew who He was, and then she prayed the only prayer she knew- The Lord's Prayer. 

As I think about it, it was probably the best thing she could've prayed. "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." 

Really that prayer has been an echo throughout my life. In times of confusion and doubt- your will be done Lord. In times of joy and excitement- on earth as it is in heaven. In times when I don't have words- I call out to my Heavenly Father- hallowed be your name. My entire life has been about God. My mom held fast to her promise. I lived. I had no issues. And when I was about 2, one Sunday morning she put me in a dress and drug me down the aisle of a small baptist church. That's where it started. It was the foundation laid in that small little cry of desperation that altered the course of my life. I believe you are never closer to God that at your birth and at your death. And my birth was hard, and treacherous, but even in that God knew what He was doing. He set me apart. He has destined me for greatness. I carry the scars of that birth and near death with me, it reminds me to see the miracles. It says to me the creator of the universe knows me intimately. As I think about what my future must've looked like 32 years ago & see what my life actually looks like now, I thank God that He destined the trials of October 14th 1982. I am so thankful that I have lived my life in God's sovereignty. I wouldn't trade His provision & faithfulness for anything. Trust me, it makes every struggle worth it.  

Don't Let It Get You Down

"This could be the part of you that you have never seen before... This could be the part of you you want to be."

 

I talk about vulnerability a lot. The last couple of weeks of my life have been an exercise in vulnerability and boundaries and holding my tongue and saying exactly how I feel. I have been all over the map. Every day is an experience to lean in, to feel, and to learn. I don't always learn things the first time. Which in hindsight makes me really sad, NOT learning your lesson just wastes time.

 

In my own life, I am walking down a path that I haven't ever laid eyes upon. Everything is new and sometimes it's really scary. I will certainly be the first person to stand up and say- it's hard. Relationships are hard. Opening yourself up to someone, it's difficult. You not only say here, I trust you with my less than desirable parts, but you accept another persons less than desirable parts. In my life I specifically deal with the fear of loss. I have only seen love fail in my parents [multiple] relationships.  I worry that deep inside me that uncertainty lies and at the most vulnerable point in my life it will come forth. I feel so unworthy to be the person that is responsible for someone else's heart. Really, I am. I'm human & flawed & restless & sometimes frantic, it's only by God's overwhelming Grace and Mercy that He has me where I am right now. 

Late one night while Stunner was still in Europe, I texted Biscuit Momma (who match-made us) and I was on the verge of hysteria. I had let my guard down. I'd let someone in, and I was petrified with fear that he would leave. That it would be the heartbreak from which I might never recover. I went on and on in the overly dramatic fashion that I sometimes (i.e. ALWAYS) adapt in moments of being overwhelmed. I'm pretty certain that she wanted to throat punch me through the phone, but she gently coached me into a position of less hysteria to more reality. 

Slowly I began to realize that not only was Stunner head over heals for me, but I was right there feeling the same way. I was made aware that my heart fully belonged to someone else & my life looked so different than what I was used to. In those moments of reflection I also realized it was exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to give me up for someone else. I wanted to compromise, to let someone in, to empty out my heart at someone else's feet and give everything I had to make it everything it could be. 

It has been nothing short of a fantastic adventure. I have loved every second of it. It hasn't all been bliss and I have absolutely done some of it wrong, but I've learned so much. No time is ever wasted if you learn a lesson and I've still got a lifetime of learning to do. 

Odd Place To Be

Three weeks into my relationship with Stunner we both had previously planned out of town/country trips that put us on two different continents. I went to Chicago for 6 days for my best friends wedding & he went to Europe for 2 weeks with his best friend. I really couldn't figure out how I felt about it. This was a new place for me. I knew I would miss him, a lot, but I also knew I would be busy those 6 days in a city that I love & spending time with some of my greatest friends. Throw that in with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to have a relationship, I kinda just put it in a back corner of my brain & tried not to dwell too much on it. 

The day we said "see you soon" to each other was an unexpectedly emotional one for me. We both exchanged gifts. And as I drove to work that morning, I was sad, but somewhere inside me I knew that this might very well be the last trip we both went on apart from each other. I made my way to the Windy City that night, and as I flew away from him, I settled on the knowledge that  this would be an important journey for each of us. I knew I was standing on the brink of what was & what could be. 

You see- vulnerability is not easy for me. I have lived most of my life behind walls and barriers. I haven't let a lot of people all the way in. The scariest part for me was needing him. I had prayed & waited for what felt like forever, and now I was staring at the real, tangible, and physical representation of what I had prayed my guts out for- for years. I didn't doubt that God had something amazing for me, but I had just gotten so used to what my life was. That life was something I could've done for the rest of my life. I fit into that life. Thinking about moving beyond that really scared me! It was and still is sometimes the oddest feeling. I've said over and over that it is just a completely surreal experience. 

I woke up early that first morning I was in Chicago. I made my way to the hotel lobby & found a quiet nook perfect for some alone time. I settled in and read the first letter from Stunner. Instantly all my fears were tamed. Every morning for those two weeks, I cried over those letters. Not because each of them had some overly emotional verbiage, but because on each one was a little piece of his heart. (And there were sweet and precious gifts too and those were great as well!) BUT his words are & will forever be my favorite! 

Words have long been the biggest area of vulnerability for me. Saying how I feel. He can't read my mind and if I don't say it, I can't expect him to know how I feel. Over those two weeks (thanks to iMessage) we were able to talk to each other, which was like a breath of fresh air to me! We were what felt like a million miles apart, and while I terribly missed the physical nearness of him, I feel like that time apart really helped solidify the importance of communication & vulnerability in me. I realized that I wanted & ultimately I needed to make myself as vulnerable as possible. And as scary as vulnerability is, I knew with every fiber of my being that not being vulnerable was even scarier. Being in a relationship & doing it the right way- being open and vulnerable- is the scariest yet most exhilarating experience I have ever had. Loving someone enough to say, here are my ugly parts & being able to trust them with that is hard. Life is hard. I will say this, hard with someone else is easier than hard all alone and it is utterly worth it. 

Anytime Soon

"The days that we've collected are so unexpectedly filling up the room."

-Holley Maher

In October I went to the lake with several of my friends to celebrate my birthday. I was wrestling with God about several things in my life. He had really been pushing and pulling and shaping and growing me & I just really wanted some time to relax & get some things settled. I spent pretty much the entire weekend reading & worshipping & talking to God. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly I talked about how my life didn't look like what I'd planned. But that's the thing God gently continues to teach me- I don't want my life to look like what I want. I want what He wants for me. But in October, what I wanted was what I had begged God for-for years, for someone to live my life with. Someone to stand beside me, to walk with me, I desperately wanted a mate, and I wasn't shy about telling God about it. But He continued to stand silent on that subject & continued to draw me closer to him. I kept hearing "embrace this time", "tell your story- it's important", "my timing is perfect" and so that weekend before my birthday in October- I wrestled with God on the porch of a beautiful lake house. I walked away knowing that I had fully surrendered what I wanted & that whatever God had for me I was okay with. I began blogging about my singleness. I began to pour out all the feelings that I felt and all the things I had learned, being a single Christian girl gets really really difficult. Especially in today's society.  I knew that my struggle wasn't in vain, I knew my story mattered. So I began to tell it. That porch was a catalyst for change in my life. 

This past weekend I had the opportunity to yet again go to that gorgeous lake house. I sat on that porch, I watched babies play, enjoyed the beautiful weather, and quality time with my best friend & her family. Mostly I enjoyed getting to spend roughly 72 hours of uninterrupted time with my amazingly sweet, loving, and handsome boyfriend. And this time instead of wrestling with God- I offered up a million Thank You's. Thank you God that you are always faithful. Thank you that you give me exactly what I need- even when I don't know what I need. Thank you Lord that your timing is on a scale that I do not understand, but I do know that it is perfect. Thank you that my waiting was not in vain. 

All that thankfulness, it just flows out of me daily, and sometimes hourly, and I never want to forget what it feels like when God does a miracle in my life. I love that I let God write my love story. I don't regret it for a single second. God didn't set me aside- He set me apart. And for that my heart overflows with gratitude and thanksgiving. 

On Freedom

I lose myself in this

unveiling until there is

nothing left of me

but you.

-Steven James

The subject of freedom keeps floating around in my heart lately. I think about my journey to Christ- my journey IN Christ. 

I grew up a good southern baptist girl. I went to Sunday School & GA camp & wore scratchy frilly lace dresses with hats at Easter. I remember bible stories told on felt boards and I remember thinking vacation bible school was the world's greatest thing ever invented- mainly because the kool aid flowed freely. But about the time I entered middle school and my home life and my school life started to get rocky- I started to get tired of the neat little box that my God lived in. I needed something bigger. I needed something free-er. I desired something with less rules & more love.

When I was in eight grade I began to search for God, I had a hunger for his presence that I couldn't describe, yet couldn't quench with the same things I had been doing. My desperation for God's unfailing love became a catalyst for change in my life. At that point in my life, I'd only ever seen "earthly love" fail and I knew there was something more. The mother of a dear friend of mine began taking us to revival services at a church that was experiencing a great outpouring of the spirit of God. I can remember the first night I went- there was so much freedom. Freedom in worship & freedom in expression, but I remember mostly the freedom that came from feeling the peace of God, experiencing His presence like I'd never known. I fell in love with Jesus for the very first time that night. I became part of a small group and fully immersed myself in a discipleship program & I ran with a ravenous heart straight into the arms of Jesus. It is there in that place that I learned to love people. That I learned who I was. That I learned how to truly live. That I learned how to love myself. Those arms were & still are my refuge. You see God redeemed me. He rescued me. Yes there have been times I have walked outside of the reach of those arms, but they are always waiting. They are always wide open and ready to embrace me. 

I really love the way God loves us. It truly enamors me. I am so unworthy of it, but God continues to pour His love upon me, especially when I least deserve it. There are moments in my life that the only response I have to the overwhelming love that God lavishes upon me is to weep. It overwhelms me that His love is perfect peace, His love redeems us, His love perfects us, His perfect love casts out all fear. GOD.IS.LOVE.

And in that love, when we fully embrace it, when we make ourselves vulnerable to it, to everything it asks of us & all that it offers us- it is all the freedom we could ever want to have.