We Might Live Like Never Before

I have always been a fan of sunsets. Before all you morning people get in a tizzy-Sunrises are great too but I am a self-professed non-morning person, so sunsets just naturally became my favorite. For me a sunset is this magical moment when time stops, you can enjoy the fact that another beautiful day is coming to an end. It's all beauty, and cotton candy clouds, and Gods majesty boldly on display in a fire colored sky. It's also a promise. Saying to us, this day is over and maybe you didn't get it right, or you missed something important, but tomorrow is another chance. Sunday afternoon sunsets are particularly my favorite. I've been at the beach with Stunner and his family this weekend & I vowed to myself that as long as I was here- I wouldn't miss a sunset. I've been privy to several. It has been so special to sit on a piece of driftwood on a cold beach & find myself after a long hectic week and watch the sun set on another day. It always makes me reflective yet so so grateful. You see life is brutal & beautiful. As my sweet Glennon would say it's brutiful. And it is. It so is. We all make mistakes, we all have faults, we all struggle, and I'm learning to remember that I need to be gentle with other people's shortcomings. I get 168 hours every week to show mercy & to bless people. 168 hours to walk humbly with those around me. 168 hours to love and to forgive. 168 hours to live my life. And I don't always get it right- unfortunately most of the time I don't. But that's the beauty of it- the sun sets and for about 15 minutes I adore the majesty of it and then it starts over. The cycle starts again. YOU GET ANOTHER CHANCE!!! We all have the same amount of time to do our lives. We all get the same chances to start over. I am especially grateful for the starting over. 

We are as infinite as the universe we hold inside

To hear my mother tell the story is a dramatic tale of rushed nerves, scary delivery, and a very sick baby. To me the story just means miracle after miracle after miracle. 

I was born 32 years ago. At 27 weeks. I was 3 months premature. I weighed 2 lbs and 2 ounces. The day after I was born I suffered a pulmonary hemorrhage which lead to chest tubes and incisions and huge things for a tiny baby. My father was on a plane to Saudi Arabia when I was born. (He aptly referred to me as his little shit for probably the first year of my life.) My mom was alone & terrified. 

The doctors told my mom that there was a large chance I wouldn't live through the night, I was very sick. If I did live it was almost certain that I would have many difficulties. 

Yet even then I rested in the hands of my Heavenly Father. 

My mom wasn't a Christian when I was born. She went around the corner from the NICU called my great grandmother who prayed with her. She begged God to let me live, and vowed that she would make sure that I knew who He was, and then she prayed the only prayer she knew- The Lord's Prayer. 

As I think about it, it was probably the best thing she could've prayed. "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." 

Really that prayer has been an echo throughout my life. In times of confusion and doubt- your will be done Lord. In times of joy and excitement- on earth as it is in heaven. In times when I don't have words- I call out to my Heavenly Father- hallowed be your name. My entire life has been about God. My mom held fast to her promise. I lived. I had no issues. And when I was about 2, one Sunday morning she put me in a dress and drug me down the aisle of a small baptist church. That's where it started. It was the foundation laid in that small little cry of desperation that altered the course of my life. I believe you are never closer to God that at your birth and at your death. And my birth was hard, and treacherous, but even in that God knew what He was doing. He set me apart. He has destined me for greatness. I carry the scars of that birth and near death with me, it reminds me to see the miracles. It says to me the creator of the universe knows me intimately. As I think about what my future must've looked like 32 years ago & see what my life actually looks like now, I thank God that He destined the trials of October 14th 1982. I am so thankful that I have lived my life in God's sovereignty. I wouldn't trade His provision & faithfulness for anything. Trust me, it makes every struggle worth it.  

Don't Let It Get You Down

"This could be the part of you that you have never seen before... This could be the part of you you want to be."

 

I talk about vulnerability a lot. The last couple of weeks of my life have been an exercise in vulnerability and boundaries and holding my tongue and saying exactly how I feel. I have been all over the map. Every day is an experience to lean in, to feel, and to learn. I don't always learn things the first time. Which in hindsight makes me really sad, NOT learning your lesson just wastes time.

 

In my own life, I am walking down a path that I haven't ever laid eyes upon. Everything is new and sometimes it's really scary. I will certainly be the first person to stand up and say- it's hard. Relationships are hard. Opening yourself up to someone, it's difficult. You not only say here, I trust you with my less than desirable parts, but you accept another persons less than desirable parts. In my life I specifically deal with the fear of loss. I have only seen love fail in my parents [multiple] relationships.  I worry that deep inside me that uncertainty lies and at the most vulnerable point in my life it will come forth. I feel so unworthy to be the person that is responsible for someone else's heart. Really, I am. I'm human & flawed & restless & sometimes frantic, it's only by God's overwhelming Grace and Mercy that He has me where I am right now. 

Late one night while Stunner was still in Europe, I texted Biscuit Momma (who match-made us) and I was on the verge of hysteria. I had let my guard down. I'd let someone in, and I was petrified with fear that he would leave. That it would be the heartbreak from which I might never recover. I went on and on in the overly dramatic fashion that I sometimes (i.e. ALWAYS) adapt in moments of being overwhelmed. I'm pretty certain that she wanted to throat punch me through the phone, but she gently coached me into a position of less hysteria to more reality. 

Slowly I began to realize that not only was Stunner head over heals for me, but I was right there feeling the same way. I was made aware that my heart fully belonged to someone else & my life looked so different than what I was used to. In those moments of reflection I also realized it was exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to give me up for someone else. I wanted to compromise, to let someone in, to empty out my heart at someone else's feet and give everything I had to make it everything it could be. 

It has been nothing short of a fantastic adventure. I have loved every second of it. It hasn't all been bliss and I have absolutely done some of it wrong, but I've learned so much. No time is ever wasted if you learn a lesson and I've still got a lifetime of learning to do. 

Odd Place To Be

Three weeks into my relationship with Stunner we both had previously planned out of town/country trips that put us on two different continents. I went to Chicago for 6 days for my best friends wedding & he went to Europe for 2 weeks with his best friend. I really couldn't figure out how I felt about it. This was a new place for me. I knew I would miss him, a lot, but I also knew I would be busy those 6 days in a city that I love & spending time with some of my greatest friends. Throw that in with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to have a relationship, I kinda just put it in a back corner of my brain & tried not to dwell too much on it. 

The day we said "see you soon" to each other was an unexpectedly emotional one for me. We both exchanged gifts. And as I drove to work that morning, I was sad, but somewhere inside me I knew that this might very well be the last trip we both went on apart from each other. I made my way to the Windy City that night, and as I flew away from him, I settled on the knowledge that  this would be an important journey for each of us. I knew I was standing on the brink of what was & what could be. 

You see- vulnerability is not easy for me. I have lived most of my life behind walls and barriers. I haven't let a lot of people all the way in. The scariest part for me was needing him. I had prayed & waited for what felt like forever, and now I was staring at the real, tangible, and physical representation of what I had prayed my guts out for- for years. I didn't doubt that God had something amazing for me, but I had just gotten so used to what my life was. That life was something I could've done for the rest of my life. I fit into that life. Thinking about moving beyond that really scared me! It was and still is sometimes the oddest feeling. I've said over and over that it is just a completely surreal experience. 

I woke up early that first morning I was in Chicago. I made my way to the hotel lobby & found a quiet nook perfect for some alone time. I settled in and read the first letter from Stunner. Instantly all my fears were tamed. Every morning for those two weeks, I cried over those letters. Not because each of them had some overly emotional verbiage, but because on each one was a little piece of his heart. (And there were sweet and precious gifts too and those were great as well!) BUT his words are & will forever be my favorite! 

Words have long been the biggest area of vulnerability for me. Saying how I feel. He can't read my mind and if I don't say it, I can't expect him to know how I feel. Over those two weeks (thanks to iMessage) we were able to talk to each other, which was like a breath of fresh air to me! We were what felt like a million miles apart, and while I terribly missed the physical nearness of him, I feel like that time apart really helped solidify the importance of communication & vulnerability in me. I realized that I wanted & ultimately I needed to make myself as vulnerable as possible. And as scary as vulnerability is, I knew with every fiber of my being that not being vulnerable was even scarier. Being in a relationship & doing it the right way- being open and vulnerable- is the scariest yet most exhilarating experience I have ever had. Loving someone enough to say, here are my ugly parts & being able to trust them with that is hard. Life is hard. I will say this, hard with someone else is easier than hard all alone and it is utterly worth it. 

Anytime Soon

"The days that we've collected are so unexpectedly filling up the room."

-Holley Maher

In October I went to the lake with several of my friends to celebrate my birthday. I was wrestling with God about several things in my life. He had really been pushing and pulling and shaping and growing me & I just really wanted some time to relax & get some things settled. I spent pretty much the entire weekend reading & worshipping & talking to God. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly I talked about how my life didn't look like what I'd planned. But that's the thing God gently continues to teach me- I don't want my life to look like what I want. I want what He wants for me. But in October, what I wanted was what I had begged God for-for years, for someone to live my life with. Someone to stand beside me, to walk with me, I desperately wanted a mate, and I wasn't shy about telling God about it. But He continued to stand silent on that subject & continued to draw me closer to him. I kept hearing "embrace this time", "tell your story- it's important", "my timing is perfect" and so that weekend before my birthday in October- I wrestled with God on the porch of a beautiful lake house. I walked away knowing that I had fully surrendered what I wanted & that whatever God had for me I was okay with. I began blogging about my singleness. I began to pour out all the feelings that I felt and all the things I had learned, being a single Christian girl gets really really difficult. Especially in today's society.  I knew that my struggle wasn't in vain, I knew my story mattered. So I began to tell it. That porch was a catalyst for change in my life. 

This past weekend I had the opportunity to yet again go to that gorgeous lake house. I sat on that porch, I watched babies play, enjoyed the beautiful weather, and quality time with my best friend & her family. Mostly I enjoyed getting to spend roughly 72 hours of uninterrupted time with my amazingly sweet, loving, and handsome boyfriend. And this time instead of wrestling with God- I offered up a million Thank You's. Thank you God that you are always faithful. Thank you that you give me exactly what I need- even when I don't know what I need. Thank you Lord that your timing is on a scale that I do not understand, but I do know that it is perfect. Thank you that my waiting was not in vain. 

All that thankfulness, it just flows out of me daily, and sometimes hourly, and I never want to forget what it feels like when God does a miracle in my life. I love that I let God write my love story. I don't regret it for a single second. God didn't set me aside- He set me apart. And for that my heart overflows with gratitude and thanksgiving. 

On Freedom

I lose myself in this

unveiling until there is

nothing left of me

but you.

-Steven James

The subject of freedom keeps floating around in my heart lately. I think about my journey to Christ- my journey IN Christ. 

I grew up a good southern baptist girl. I went to Sunday School & GA camp & wore scratchy frilly lace dresses with hats at Easter. I remember bible stories told on felt boards and I remember thinking vacation bible school was the world's greatest thing ever invented- mainly because the kool aid flowed freely. But about the time I entered middle school and my home life and my school life started to get rocky- I started to get tired of the neat little box that my God lived in. I needed something bigger. I needed something free-er. I desired something with less rules & more love.

When I was in eight grade I began to search for God, I had a hunger for his presence that I couldn't describe, yet couldn't quench with the same things I had been doing. My desperation for God's unfailing love became a catalyst for change in my life. At that point in my life, I'd only ever seen "earthly love" fail and I knew there was something more. The mother of a dear friend of mine began taking us to revival services at a church that was experiencing a great outpouring of the spirit of God. I can remember the first night I went- there was so much freedom. Freedom in worship & freedom in expression, but I remember mostly the freedom that came from feeling the peace of God, experiencing His presence like I'd never known. I fell in love with Jesus for the very first time that night. I became part of a small group and fully immersed myself in a discipleship program & I ran with a ravenous heart straight into the arms of Jesus. It is there in that place that I learned to love people. That I learned who I was. That I learned how to truly live. That I learned how to love myself. Those arms were & still are my refuge. You see God redeemed me. He rescued me. Yes there have been times I have walked outside of the reach of those arms, but they are always waiting. They are always wide open and ready to embrace me. 

I really love the way God loves us. It truly enamors me. I am so unworthy of it, but God continues to pour His love upon me, especially when I least deserve it. There are moments in my life that the only response I have to the overwhelming love that God lavishes upon me is to weep. It overwhelms me that His love is perfect peace, His love redeems us, His love perfects us, His perfect love casts out all fear. GOD.IS.LOVE.

And in that love, when we fully embrace it, when we make ourselves vulnerable to it, to everything it asks of us & all that it offers us- it is all the freedom we could ever want to have.

On Freedom

I lose myself in this

unveiling until there is

nothing left of me

but you.

-Steven James

The subject of freedom keeps floating around in my heart lately. I think about my journey to Christ- my journey IN Christ. 

I grew up a good southern baptist girl. I went to Sunday School & GA camp & wore scratchy frilly lace dresses with hats at Easter. I remember bible stories told on felt boards and I remember thinking vacation bible school was the world's greatest thing ever invented- mainly because the kool aid flowed freely. But about the time I entered middle school and my home life and my school life started to get rocky- I started to get tired of the neat little box that my God lived in. I needed something bigger. I needed something free-er. I desired something with less rules & more love.

When I was in eight grade I began to search for God, I had a hunger for his presence that I couldn't describe, yet couldn't quench with the same things I had been doing. My desperation for God's unfailing love became a catalyst for change in my life. At that point in my life, I'd only ever seen "earthly love" fail and I knew there was something more. The mother of a dear friend of mine began taking us to revival services at a church that was experiencing a great outpouring of the spirit of God. I can remember the first night I went- there was so much freedom. Freedom in worship & freedom in expression, but I remember mostly the freedom that came from feeling the peace of God, experiencing His presence like I'd never known. I fell in love with Jesus for the very first time that night. I became part of a small group and fully immersed myself in a discipleship program & I ran with a ravenous heart straight into the arms of Jesus. It is there in that place that I learned to love people. That I learned who I was. That I learned how to truly live. That I learned how to love myself. Those arms were & still are my refuge. You see God redeemed me. He rescued me. Yes there have been times I have walked outside of the reach of those arms, but they are always waiting. They are always wide open and ready to embrace me. 

I really love the way God loves us. It truly enamors me. I am so unworthy of it, but God continues to pour His love upon me, especially when I least deserve it. There are moments in my life that the only response I have to the overwhelming love that God lavishes upon me is to weep. It overwhelms me that His love is perfect peace, His love redeems us, His love perfects us, His perfect love casts out all fear. GOD.IS.LOVE.

And in that love, when we fully embrace it, when we make ourselves vulnerable to it, to everything it asks of us & all that it offers us- it is all the freedom we could ever want to have.

It's Brighter Than Sunshine

Sunday as I sat in church I looked at the date on the bulletin & I realized it was the first of June. I was shocked. I literally thought to myself, how is it June? It was just January. I swear five days ago it was January and now it's summer?!? 

Any time I think about seasons, I think about being in seasons of my life. And I think June is so shocking to me because I feel like I have perpetually been stuck in cold, rainy, and grey January for several years now. I learned to like January. I learned to like the cold and bundling up in big coats and scarves to keep the cold out. I appreciated the random days that got warm enough to go outside and frolic in the sunshine, but those were few and far between. 

Sadly I forgot what long lazy days of summer felt like. Late night stargazing on the grass of the backyard. The smell of salt air & the feel of my toes in the sand. The thrill of barbecues with great friends. I completely forgot. I got stuck in gloves, boots, frost, and soup. 

But on Sunday something inside me shifted, I took off all the coats and hats and scarves and realized it was hot outside. Not only was it hot, it was beautiful! All the dead and barren trees were full of leaves, flowers bloomed, and the sun shone bright. And I realized it was June, and I didn't want to be a stuck in January anymore. I wanted pool days, and long days of light, and laughter, and Popsicles, and watermelon, and strawberries. So I walked with arms spread wide into the blindingly beautiful sunlight, and I have a feeling that my January's won't ever be that cold again. 

Surrendering to God's Design

Tonight I got to spend a much needed girls night with two of my favorite ladies- Soap Girl & Baby Mama. I love spending time with them. We always laugh & joke around. Then somewhere in the middle it gets serious & we talk about what is happening in our lives & we talk about the things that matter to us. Then at the end we linger and try to find a way to stay just five minutes more in each others company. 

Tonight was no exception to the rule, we hadn't been together for about 4 weeks and after a particularly hectic Monday- I was ready for some good laughs. I have known Soap Girl for a long time. We have this really unique relationship in that I was actually best friends with her sister throughout my childhood & she was best friends with my sister & so we have a very open relationship. She has seen me at my best and at my worst. I admire her for her steadfastness & her ability to be the bottom line girl. I can always count on her to tell me the truth. 

Baby Mama is someone who is so precious to me. I've known her for probably 6 years. I have watched her grow and learn about life, herself, & the faithfulness of God over the course of our friendship, and I have loved it. She's the type of person who is so genuine, that sometimes it's hard to believe her. She gives of herself tirelessly, and I admire her greatly. Although she does have a tendency to be late to our weekly get togethers! :)

Tonight the girls (who are both married) started recounting the stories of the beginnings of their relationships with their husbands. It was interesting for me to sit and listen, I know both of their stories fairly well, but they didn't know each other's stories. Soap girl recounted the tale of meeting her now husband & the heartbreak of knowing that he was who God had for her, and watching him date & then get engaged to her best friend. Then having to wait on God & trust that He would bring everything back around in His time.  Baby Mama talked about in the beginnings of her relationship with her husband and needing to be in control and have as much information that she could get out of him; before her husband she'd been in an emotionally & sometimes physically abusive relationship for far too long and carried with her the insecurities of that. 

As I sat there, I was silently praising God for the covenant that I made when I was 12. To keep myself pure. To be not only physically pure, but also emotionally and spiritually pure. One of my life's verses is Matthew 7:6-8 "Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you in pieces. Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you. For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking, [the door] will be opened. (AMP)" that verse is not only about keeping what is sacred, sacred- but about perseverance. We keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking and eventually we receive, we find, and eventually the door is opened. I wear some sort of pearl jewelry every day, earrings, a necklace, a bracelet, it reminds me to keep what is holy in my life holy AND to be sacred. Those sacred intimate parts of who I am are first and foremost God's- He is and will always be my first love. 

As I listened to my friends talk about overcoming many obstacles to achieve the marriages that they have now, I thanked God for his faithfulness. I was thankful that he honored their perseverance. In that moment I also thanked Him for his protection, for giving me wisdom, for protecting me all these years. It humbles me to think that when God chooses to allow me to enter into a covenant relationship, I won't have those same obstacles. Because I haven't had another relationship to compare it to, I don't have to worry about insecurity. I have spent my single years learning about who I am, but most importantly WHO's I am. I know my self worth. I know what I'm capable of and also what I'm not capable of. (Spiders, I'm not capable of dealing with spiders) I have taken trips on a whim. I have stayed up all night. I have entertained friends. Stalked musicians tour buses. I have seen my closest and dearest friends get married, have babies, move, change careers, and I've seen others have their hearts broken into a million pieces. I have moved, changed careers, and had my heart broken into a million pieces. I have loved relentlessly. I have lived every single moment of my life without regret. And I have kept what is sacred, sacred. 

When that day does finally arrive, my spiritual, physical, and emotional purity is the most valuable gift I can give someone & I am overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for stirring my heart and calling me to a life lived closely with Him. I don't think I would've made it out here without Him. Perseverance is hard, but if you're patient & steadfast, God will give you a glimpse of the rewards of being faithful. Keep the holy things holy. Keep asking God for protection & wisdom. Keep seeking God & His will for your life. Keep knocking and in Gods PERFECT timing, the door will swing wide open. 

the journey of a thousand miles

Several nights ago I drove home from a wedding and I was buoyant form having spent a really intense yet enjoyable weekend with some really amazing friends, and as I drove down the dark interstate I started thinking about joy.  I began to ponder what that means to me. 

You see joy and happiness are not the same. I can absolutely fake happiness. I can make myself be happy. I can fake it when everyone wants to go to a restaurant that I don’t like. I can be happy for my friends when great things happen for them. I can be ecstatic that I got to have a long weekend TWO weekends in a row. Honestly I’m really good and faking being happy when I’m not.
But joy, true JOY comes from this deep rooted desire for good. It comes from completely letting go & surrendering whatever might be in the way & sacrificing yourself to what God has and knowing it’s the best path- no matter the peaks and valleys. See you can’t fake joy. You can’t conjure it up in the midst of deep and difficult situations, it just doesn’t happen.

“Dear Brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
James 1:2-4

It is not lost on me that weeks before I would begin a journey through the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and faith questioning  time of my life I started a Beth Moore bible study on James-this verse its foundation. As I look back on the last several years, I can see it- an opportunity for great joy. Even in those dark nights that I allowed confusion to rule me, I can now see the journey to joy that God laid out for me to walk. 

Joy is pure, joy is holy & it is a direct result of total surrender. I think for the first time in my life I am completely and totally full of Joy. I’ve been really happy and settled in my life before, but never truly joyFULL. It’s a bit humorous to me actually; I feel like in this moment that everything has come alive-that every struggle and every hardship were worth something.  I feel as if the blinders finally came completely off & I can see life as it truly is- a beautiful, crazy, silly, tough, yet joyous mess. This life is a fight, a constant battle, because we weren’t created for the temporary and the eternal and the temporary will always clash with each other, but in everything consider it pure joy. Endure. Be perfect & complete in God.

“Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.” –Mother Theresa

Holiness Doesn't Live in the Microwave

I have a friend who got a new microwave this week and she sent me a photo on Sunday morning of a seriously complicated piece of equipment & her caption said- "I just want to warm up a muffin!" And I laughed, because I'm the girl who gets out the manual & reads all the instructions & knows exactly which steps to follow to get a desired result! But my friend she's kinda a fly by the seat of her pants person, and she just figures it out by trial & error & you know what-she didn't get to eat a muffin, she ate a breakfast burrito instead, BUT she was totally happy about it!! And here's another thing about me- after all my planning if it goes wrong & I don't get the desired result I have a fit! We (I, ME) are living in a microwave generation. We want what we want, when we want it, as fast as possible! 

This week God has ever so gently (because He pours out more mercy upon my life than I possibly deserve) reminded me that no matter what it is that I want, I ultimately want it on HIS timetable! All too often I don't trust, I look heavenward & shake my fists and demand that God give me a reason why I don't have the things I so desperately want. 

This week I realized that it is in those exact moments that I must posture myself in worship. That I should worship until the praise bursts forth, because it's in those moments that I am closest to the heart of God. And if I can't praise Him in the difficult times, how can I praise him fully in the times that are without trials. It's in that desperation of praise that the spirit of God moves & shakes off the warped views of what I want & what I think I need & my focus shifts to the holy righteousness that brings forth peace, joy, gentleness, and the never failing promises of my CREATOR!! He is never shaken, He doesn't give in to my whims, He moves in His own plan & His own time- and it's perfection. The perfection of a creator who placed every star in the sky, the perfection of a savior who sacrificed everything to redeem me, the perfection of a father who loves me unfalteringly. His perfection is sovereign & it blows me away. 

So in the mean time-I'll just be over here worshipping & praising & being thankful that God calls me gently and mercifully into His Glory!! 

I'm kinda over getting told to throw my hands up in the air.

Being single is really fun, but sometimes it's lonely. There are days that I think it's funny. Sometimes I think it's boring. Other times I can't imagine having to give up this life, and then there are days I just want to share it with someone so badly it hurts. 

Lately I find it's interesting. 

EVERYONE wants to give me advice. They want to ask you if you're dating someone & when you say no (& admittedly scoff a bit) they want to tell you "When you stop looking you'll find a mate." "God has a plan". And then they add these versions of: "You both just aren't ready to be one yet, there are things that you both need to do before that happens." 

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!? 

Because if God has specifically spoken to you about what I need to do, please tell me. I've been begging Him for years, and so far on the subject He's been quite silent. 

I don't need to be placated. 

I know and understand well how the process works. I DO know that God has a plan, I've been walking in that plan for the last 31 years. I have begged God to take my desire to be married away. Bbbeeegggged. So far he hasn't. So I continue to wait. But here is the thing, while I wait, I continue to be productive, I show up to my life, I show up for other people, for their dream come true events, and I quietly continue to beg. Honestly it's absolute anguish. There are days when it's close to unbearable, but I show up for other people-mostly because I love them; but also because I want them to know that they hold a place of honor in my life. 

So tonight I offer you some advice, when you have single friends here's what you don't say:

1."I don't understand why you are still single?!?" 

This one makes me laugh, like belly laugh out loud! I'm still single because I have really high/strict standards that I refuse to compromise. If I wanted a spouse just to have a spouse I could've found someone. That's not what I want. I know that this is a thinly veiled complement, and I am grateful for it, but the backhanded part of it cuts deep.

2."God has your perfect match out there, you just haven't met him yet."

Ok, I do not subscribe to the theory that God has one soulmate picked out for us. I believe that marriage is hard- a continual ebb & flow of working together and apart to be the best versions of yourself- to serve God & serve each other. If God had just one perfect match picked out for us & we all lived in the fairy tale land where we all got married and lived happily ever after that would be great, but that's just not real. Remember that whole free will thing?!? So instead if you know someone single that hasn't met anyone, pray for them. Like really pray, that they are able to protect their heart, that God is gracious, and that they are able to wait for the best that God has for them.

3."I think you would be great with so-and-so." 

DO NOT- I repeat DO NOT try to matchmake someone unless you know them really well, AND they have given you permission. This becomes really awkward really fast especially when people don't give it up. Don't push, it's annoying & people will end up just wanting to avoid you.

4. "Maybe God just wants you to be single." 

Ok. This on a few levels could be true. Paul is pretty clear on this, and no one really wants to burn with passion. But a few blogs back I talked about the fact that God is our first love, we were designed to be in relationship with Him. And maybe God does want me to be single, He just hasn't told me that yet. 

So I say all that to really say: treat those single guys & girls you know with respect and love on them a little extra. Invite them over for dinner, or coffee, or to catch up on your favorite tv show. Respect their space, help them figure out who they are. If you're married show them the real stuff, invite them to see what it's all about. And continue to pray for them. It's lonely out there sometimes.

Two Rotations Around The Sun

It's been 730 days. 

730 days in the new normal. 

730 days since my world was turned upside down. 730 days that I haven't been able to call, or write, or joke, or laugh with you. That chuckle- I miss that, along with the rough feel of your hands. I miss your voice & you getting upset with me for almost scratching your sunglasses. Or getting hay all over your car. I miss riding around with the windows down. I miss your voice. I miss our conversations. I miss pancakes at Cracker Barrel & you testing my salsa at Mexican restaurants. I miss talking about our hopes and dreams. 

I just miss you. 

But I'm not the same person I was 731 days ago, I'll never be that girl again and the new normal feels much more comfortable now. I fought it for a long time. But I didn't want to let go. I see now just how necessary letting go is. It taught me a lot. Letting go of you taught me how to love relentlessly. How to be kind. That people need other people. That we must show up. That we must serve. That letting go and doing these things are how we heal. For the last 2 years I've drawn close to The Lord, I let him heal my broken heart. And the result is an indescribable freedom, wholeness, and a closeness I've always wanted.

The hole your death left in my chest is just a whisper of emptiness now, and I know soon it will close up, but I will carry the scar of loving & losing you forever.

Today I celebrate your life & your story- it's important & it matters. I celebrate who you were to me & everything you've taught me, even in death. 

Tell Me How To Wait Better

I am on a road trip this weekend to attend wedding showers for a dear friend of mine, whose wedding is in April, and in which I am a bridesmaid. And here's where the honesty begins- I didn't want to come. I wrestled with myself for 2 days and I had so much anxiety about it. You see if I'm being completely honest- I want my own turn. I want my dream come true fairytale life. I am tired of watching everyone else get the thing that they desperately want. It gets really really hard to continue to show up, and put on a smile, and celebrate when there are days I feel like I will never get that. And I know I preach: "Embrace your singleness, Live your life!" And I DO! I love my life and I am blessed to be able to live it really well! But that still doesn't ever fully satiate my want of a spouse. Not because I think my spouse will complete me, I am complete in Him. But because I desire to do life with someone by my side. Someone I can turn to when it gets too hard & they will carry me. Someone who will hug me, hold my hand, cook me dinner, and check the oil in my car. And do/be a lot of other things for me too!

The silence of waiting for that is deafening. But there is no choice BUT to wait. I just wish someone would tell me how to wait better. Give me something to do with all this extra energy that my brain uses up trying to figure this out on my own. Then a still small voice says be still. Wait. There is not just better up ahead, there is BEST. And ultimately that is what I want- the BEST. I am reminded of the words of a sweet friend: "In time, perfect time. Not late. Not less. Not cheated. Not the leftovers. But the stored-up-for-you abundance that He’s planning even now." That's what I get when I show up, even when I am empty and broken. Abundance. God hasn't set me aside- He's set me apart. So I'll continue to show up.

Split Screen Sadness

I am currently sitting in my grandmother’s hospital room listening to her quiet raspy breath. I relish in the sound- because too soon it will be gone. She will be gone. And about that I am sad. But also happy. It’s weird. It’s like this constant game of tug of war. You want to hold on as tight as possible because holding on means you win-it means victory; but you want to let go because holding on so tight hurts, as that rope is slowly pulling and rubbing your skin; letting go means you lost. But then I remember I am not holding her here. My mom isn’t holding her here. The only person holding her is Jesus. I rest in the fact that He is in control. He is my hope. We do not mourn as those who have no hope. We don’t lose, and she gains the ultimate victory. But still I’m just sad.

I will miss my sweet MawMaw. She is the matriarch of our family. She taught me what an eight track player was and how to love all types of music, but mostly Conway Twitty. I can remember visiting her as a child in the summers and I would watch Annie on VHS over and over and over again. I am convinced that’s where my love of musical theater began. I will miss her sass. Oh goodness she’s a sassy woman. And I love that about her. I will miss calling her and gossiping with her about all her neighbors. I will certainly miss her cornbread cakes and black-eyed peas and her chicken and rice. Really I’ll just miss all her cooking in general. There were so many Thanksgivings and Christmases that we crammed too many people in her house and too much food in our bellies. I’m sad that she will miss out on many things in my life and the lives of her other grandchildren and great grandchildren. I know she is so proud of each and every one of her children. We are her legacy.  I am sad she is leaving us but I’m also glad that her suffering will end. I’m glad that one day soon she’ll step through those pearly gates and she’ll be able to breathe fully and deeply in a completely healed body. Oh I am so excited for her about that, and so many other things.

I stayed with her in the hospital the other night and she was in a lot of pain and really struggling to get comfortable and I began to rub her forehead and just speak quiet prayers over her. After several moments, she fell asleep and shortly afterward I heard her in her sleep praying. It was the oddest experience, I felt like an intruder, like I was eavesdropping on an intimate conversation that I had no part in. In that moment I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and thanksgiving that this woman was my grandmother; that her strength, determination, faithfulness, and faith flow through my veins.  I am so thankful for all the things I have learned from her, I cherish them all and I will carry them in my heart forever.

‘…here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart).’
-EE Cummings