We Are Tethered To The Story We Must Tell

This is a disclaimer: this might have a tendency to get dark for a bit, I apologize. Please bear with me.
I have experienced death and loss and grief and mourning before. These are not new experiences for me. But this death, the death of one of my best friends, someone I loved, someone I spent almost everyday with for two years- I haven't ever experienced this before. I made a declaration during those first few hazy days of shock and grief that I was going to allow myself to feel and experience this the way I needed to. That I wasn't going to take care of anyone but myself. I've done mostly that. I have had good days, and numb days, and blah days. Some days are easy. Some days I literally will myself to hold it together. Other days are difficult but manageable. Every day is different. More often than not I find myself wishing I had a time machine. I would love to either reverse or fast forward. This present, where I am now- where I feel stuck and unmoving-it feels slightly unbearable. In my mind I feel like I can deal with my life up until this point. Today. This is all I can take. I can't do anymore. But so badly I want to fast forward through this. To not have to ride this roller coaster of emotion. To not expect him to walk in the door any minute. To not hear a song and hear his voice singing it. To not miss him every second of every day. The fast forwarding isn't real. It isn't this process called grief- its denial. And to deny all these things is to deny Adam. To deny he was here. To deny that he played a huge role in my life. To deny that he meant so much to so many people. To deny that he mattered and his life was valuable and important and honorable. And I couldn't deny him, not now, not ever.
I have thought so many times that I just want someone to wade out into the deep dark shadows that I feel stuck in and lead me out. Tonight I realized I'm not the only person out here. We-all of us hurting and broken people- are all out here together. We all miss him. I don't ever want to forget him. I want to talk about him. I want his name to be said out loud not whispered and quiet. He was here and he mattered. But we are out here scared and sad and we all feel alone, but we're not alone and we must work together to get back to the solid shore. I also know that God is with me in the high places as well as the low. He never leaves. That even when the darkness is overwhelming and the silence is all I can hear, He is there. Waiting.
Urging me closer to Him.
I tell myself don't lose sight of what's ahead.
Remember what you know is true.
God has promised not to give you more than you can bear.
God is faithful.
God is merciful.
God is gracious.
Grace & Mercy it never ends.
Faith. Grace. Mercy.