You Are The Moon That Pulls Me Through The Night

This post is about gratitude.
And love.
And acceptance.
And saying thank you.
And saying goodbye.
There were many days I didn't think I'd survive this year.
It was by far one of the hardest of my life.
But as I have said many times- you've got to keep moving.

There are a lot of people that helped me through so many dark nights, that led me out of grief and sorrow into the joy of the morning!! So I will begin with my gratitude and thanks.

Traci Calvert- thank you. Thank you for loving me enough to call me & make sure I was ok. For literally coming to get me! Tragedy brought our friendship to an entire new level and I am so thankful for it! I cherish every moment we've spent together- good and bad!

Cathy & Craig- there are no words... Thank you is not even good enough. For the late night talks, for the piano, for the rose, for everything...You two made sure I was safe and comfortable and that means more than you will ever know! You are my family!

Summer & Ricky- Summer, I am so thankful for your support, your honesty, and the laughter & the crazy situations we find ourselves in- they are always good medicine! I am thankful they happen with you, and I'm thankful we can always laugh at ourselves! Ricky- you are truly such a brother to me! Always open and supportive and caring! Thank you for praying & being you!! I miss my Shaw family!!!

Colleene- for showing up. thank you. For sitting with me while I did hard things.

Karen- you are just you. I am eternally grateful for your love and support. always.

Rachel- for your secret plans to come here & for coming later, when I needed you to be here-thanks! I love you my sweet friend!

Trudi- you give so tirelessly to so many, you are a true blessing!!

Jen- my oldest and dearest friend. You've walked with me through it all, thank you for just being there. For asking the hard questions, and checking on me!

Megan & Kristen- our time together is irreplaceable! I love you both so much! I am so thankful for the miracles we experienced together.

Jenny- you prayed that this year would pass quickly, it did and I am so thankful for you, for that prayer, and that God answered it.

Mrs. Sara- For our small group family. For so many memories. For loving all of us. Thank You.

Gloria Ann & Michael- love you sweet little Hankins!!! so much!! You guys and your family are such a blessing to me!! I am thankful for our friendships!! I love laughing and being with you guys!!

Logan- You would've been here in hours, had I just said the word- thank you for being such an amazing brother to me.

Jenna- your love and laughter is always good for my soul!

Taryn- I just love you! Thanks for being there!

Pastor Fred & Liz- You guys continue to amaze me! I am thankful for your leadership. Liz thank you for supporting me & crawling under that piano with me.

Everyone who called, showed up, listened, and talked... thank you. Your love is a light.

Here we are a year later and I am in awe of God's continuous love, blessing, grace, and the things He has taught me.

I have prayed and prayed for something good to come from this. For God to take this tragic, heartbreaking story and turn it into something glory giving. A few nights ago, I was studying and praying while thinking about this milestone quickly approaching, and asking God again, "Lord, please let me see the positive!" and then I realized... I am living the positive for my life. Through these circumstances I have laid my life out bare and torn down my walls and moved through a process of grief that my mind told me to run away from. I have not only learned to lean on God, but actually leaned on Him. I know there is blessing and positive and good in that. If only for me.

The Night of Adam's death I wrote a blog about grief being a dark tumultuous sea. Oh How little I knew of what God would teach me about that sea and that darkness and how if we let Him, He always calms the storms.

The water and the waves and the storms and the clear awe inspiring full moons have all been a constant for the last year and the other night God helped me see why. In Luke 8:22 we read the very familiar account of Jesus calming the storm. I was reading this account the other night and God helped me have a revelation about what it meant for me, for this circumstance, and for the future. You see Jesus was with His disciples, they had been preaching and teaching all day it was starting to become night and Jesus said "Lets cross over to the other side." We know what happens- but I don't want to get ahead of myself! But in that statement He is literally asking them to leave the faith they had when they stepped into the boat there and move to another level. "Hey Guys! You don't know it yet but you're about to see another miracle and I am going to give you another opportunity to increase your faith... Get in this boat." They get in- Jesus is tired. He goes to take a nap. The storm comes- out of nowhere fast & furious! (much like life's trials and tribulations) They are in the middle of a dark tumultuous sea. And of course Jesus knows that this is going to happen. He's God remember! But the disciples are all like "Jesus is sleeping"... "He doesn't love us"... "We're going to die in this boat. Doesn't he care?"... "I'm wet and uncomfortable"... the panic rises... "WE ARE GOING TO DIE IN THIS DARK SCARY WATER!!"... "Where is Jesus?!?!"
Um, excuse me guys... remember- He's right there! In the hull of that boat. Sleeping. He never left you!

THAT. IS. ME. I am that disciple. I love Jesus, I followed Him into the boat. But at the very mention of something hard or something that makes me vulnerable or in a position where I have to give up control- there I am in the boat screaming and scared because I see a dark cloud and of course I haven't even felt a rain drop yet!!!

but Thankfully John, or Mark, or Luke- SOMEONE goes and wakes Jesus up & He speaks to calm the wind and the waves. The NIV in vs 39 says He said "Quiet, Be Still!!" and the wind died down and it was completely calm. Guys- HE CALMED THE STORM. but more importantly... He Said-Be Quiet. BE STILL. He never leaves. Even when we think we will die because it is so scary... still there and able to calm the storm and calm us in an instant. I love that. I want my faith to be such that when I face storms and difficulty, I KNOW to be still and quiet and that God is able to calm me and that storm!
Where is YOUR faith? Are you beaten down by the relentless wind and rain, and you are so tired and want to give up? Are you still in awe because Jesus just woke up and calmed your storm? Are you standing on the edge of that Lake thinking, I really want to get in that boat & follow Jesus, but what if He forgets about me?
Just know wherever you are- The Lord is there. He sees and knows your pain. He is your rescuer. Your Redeemer. Your Hope. Your future. He Calms the Storms.

I am sad that I got tossed into that sea of uncertainty. Adam I miss you terribly. You were a fantastic friend. Some of the greatest and funniest memories of my life- I have with you. I miss being able to talk to you. To hear you sing. You & Michael & Gunner coming to visit me at Starbucks. I miss sushi on Wednesday nights. Mainly I just miss you. This is goodbye and thank you. Thank you because I needed to let go. I needed to move my faith to the next level. God used this storm to do it. I hate it, but I'm thankful that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that I was still and I let God calm me. Still it is SO hard.
Goodbye my Friend. You are greatly missed. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Be Quiet and Still...

I will leave with this... an excerpt from another blog I follow that sums up how I feel about 2012 and the rest of 2013 much better than I could.

"This year was all about learning that all evidence to the contrary, I am safe. This year was about proving that nothing, but nothing can separate us from the love of God. Even if we die, we don't die. If our dreams die or our bodies die or our beloved dies- WE do not DIE. I know this.
               'In three words I can sum up what I know about life. It goes on.' -Robert Frost
Life has gone on and in the end I have learned this: My Peace is not dependent upon anyone else. Not anymore. My peace is God and God is as close as my decision to sneak away for a moment and find quiet and find my breath and remember that the music is always louder than the crying."

-Glennon Melton

His Love Never Fails. Never Gives Up. Never Runs Out.
He works all things together for my good.

All Good Things in 2013!!

XOXO
LJC :)