I am on a road trip this weekend to attend wedding showers for a dear friend of mine, whose wedding is in April, and in which I am a bridesmaid. And here's where the honesty begins- I didn't want to come. I wrestled with myself for 2 days and I had so much anxiety about it. You see if I'm being completely honest- I want my own turn. I want my dream come true fairytale life. I am tired of watching everyone else get the thing that they desperately want. It gets really really hard to continue to show up, and put on a smile, and celebrate when there are days I feel like I will never get that. And I know I preach: "Embrace your singleness, Live your life!" And I DO! I love my life and I am blessed to be able to live it really well! But that still doesn't ever fully satiate my want of a spouse. Not because I think my spouse will complete me, I am complete in Him. But because I desire to do life with someone by my side. Someone I can turn to when it gets too hard & they will carry me. Someone who will hug me, hold my hand, cook me dinner, and check the oil in my car. And do/be a lot of other things for me too!
The silence of waiting for that is deafening. But there is no choice BUT to wait. I just wish someone would tell me how to wait better. Give me something to do with all this extra energy that my brain uses up trying to figure this out on my own. Then a still small voice says be still. Wait. There is not just better up ahead, there is BEST. And ultimately that is what I want- the BEST. I am reminded of the words of a sweet friend: "In time, perfect time. Not late. Not less. Not cheated. Not the leftovers. But the stored-up-for-you abundance that He’s planning even now." That's what I get when I show up, even when I am empty and broken. Abundance. God hasn't set me aside- He's set me apart. So I'll continue to show up.
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