Don't Let It Get You Down

"This could be the part of you that you have never seen before... This could be the part of you you want to be."

 

I talk about vulnerability a lot. The last couple of weeks of my life have been an exercise in vulnerability and boundaries and holding my tongue and saying exactly how I feel. I have been all over the map. Every day is an experience to lean in, to feel, and to learn. I don't always learn things the first time. Which in hindsight makes me really sad, NOT learning your lesson just wastes time.

 

In my own life, I am walking down a path that I haven't ever laid eyes upon. Everything is new and sometimes it's really scary. I will certainly be the first person to stand up and say- it's hard. Relationships are hard. Opening yourself up to someone, it's difficult. You not only say here, I trust you with my less than desirable parts, but you accept another persons less than desirable parts. In my life I specifically deal with the fear of loss. I have only seen love fail in my parents [multiple] relationships.  I worry that deep inside me that uncertainty lies and at the most vulnerable point in my life it will come forth. I feel so unworthy to be the person that is responsible for someone else's heart. Really, I am. I'm human & flawed & restless & sometimes frantic, it's only by God's overwhelming Grace and Mercy that He has me where I am right now. 

Late one night while Stunner was still in Europe, I texted Biscuit Momma (who match-made us) and I was on the verge of hysteria. I had let my guard down. I'd let someone in, and I was petrified with fear that he would leave. That it would be the heartbreak from which I might never recover. I went on and on in the overly dramatic fashion that I sometimes (i.e. ALWAYS) adapt in moments of being overwhelmed. I'm pretty certain that she wanted to throat punch me through the phone, but she gently coached me into a position of less hysteria to more reality. 

Slowly I began to realize that not only was Stunner head over heals for me, but I was right there feeling the same way. I was made aware that my heart fully belonged to someone else & my life looked so different than what I was used to. In those moments of reflection I also realized it was exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to give me up for someone else. I wanted to compromise, to let someone in, to empty out my heart at someone else's feet and give everything I had to make it everything it could be. 

It has been nothing short of a fantastic adventure. I have loved every second of it. It hasn't all been bliss and I have absolutely done some of it wrong, but I've learned so much. No time is ever wasted if you learn a lesson and I've still got a lifetime of learning to do.