Split Screen Sadness

I am currently sitting in my grandmother’s hospital room listening to her quiet raspy breath. I relish in the sound- because too soon it will be gone. She will be gone. And about that I am sad. But also happy. It’s weird. It’s like this constant game of tug of war. You want to hold on as tight as possible because holding on means you win-it means victory; but you want to let go because holding on so tight hurts, as that rope is slowly pulling and rubbing your skin; letting go means you lost. But then I remember I am not holding her here. My mom isn’t holding her here. The only person holding her is Jesus. I rest in the fact that He is in control. He is my hope. We do not mourn as those who have no hope. We don’t lose, and she gains the ultimate victory. But still I’m just sad.

I will miss my sweet MawMaw. She is the matriarch of our family. She taught me what an eight track player was and how to love all types of music, but mostly Conway Twitty. I can remember visiting her as a child in the summers and I would watch Annie on VHS over and over and over again. I am convinced that’s where my love of musical theater began. I will miss her sass. Oh goodness she’s a sassy woman. And I love that about her. I will miss calling her and gossiping with her about all her neighbors. I will certainly miss her cornbread cakes and black-eyed peas and her chicken and rice. Really I’ll just miss all her cooking in general. There were so many Thanksgivings and Christmases that we crammed too many people in her house and too much food in our bellies. I’m sad that she will miss out on many things in my life and the lives of her other grandchildren and great grandchildren. I know she is so proud of each and every one of her children. We are her legacy.  I am sad she is leaving us but I’m also glad that her suffering will end. I’m glad that one day soon she’ll step through those pearly gates and she’ll be able to breathe fully and deeply in a completely healed body. Oh I am so excited for her about that, and so many other things.

I stayed with her in the hospital the other night and she was in a lot of pain and really struggling to get comfortable and I began to rub her forehead and just speak quiet prayers over her. After several moments, she fell asleep and shortly afterward I heard her in her sleep praying. It was the oddest experience, I felt like an intruder, like I was eavesdropping on an intimate conversation that I had no part in. In that moment I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and thanksgiving that this woman was my grandmother; that her strength, determination, faithfulness, and faith flow through my veins.  I am so thankful for all the things I have learned from her, I cherish them all and I will carry them in my heart forever.

‘…here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart).’
-EE Cummings