LeeAnna, In the Middle.

I had an amazing opportunity given to me this weekend to go to a fantastic women's conference. As we set out I knew God had something else for me. He'd already done so much at a previous conference last month- but I knew He would do something big here as well. 

As many of you who read this blog know that the last couple of years for me have been hard, at best. But God has recently been moving me, stirring me, and speaking to me in a way like never before! 

I felt a shift at that first conference- a call to whole heartedly pursue my dreams & what God is ultimately calling me to- to use my talents and to tell my story. This second conference was about him releasing me to freedom. Freedom from my shame. Freedom to do what He's called me to do. Freedom to live & love as a beautiful glorious Princess- the Daughter of an Almighty King! During the second day of the conference we got to hear from the amazingly talented and hilarious Charlotte Gambill!! First I'll say that she is British, and secondly I'll say that I am obsessed with her & the way God used her to speak to me! She spoke about being "in the middle". About how we as Christians  (much like Jesus' disciples on the way to Bethsaida) just cop out in the middle of our trials & storms & issues. We would rather go backwards through all the junk we've already paddled through- just to not have a struggle. When what we need to do is trust that in our need He will get in the boat with us. That we have rely on God's instruction & take one more stroke toward that new shore & towards the new things God has for us. And while she was speaking I really felt this peace just wash over me. Life had been so hard for me recently, but I took heart in the fact that even though I wanted to give up a trillion times- I didn't. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I kept moving forward because as much as every fiber of my being was straining against the weight of my 'middle' I knew that if I stopped- I would die there. And I knew that wasn't how God or I wanted the story to end. That I had persevered- that was the point. God consistently continued to say to me in those dark days: lay all your hurts, and shame, and anger, and bitterness, and regrets, and pain, and sense of failure on this shore- get in the boat and follow me. This road won't be easy-but I am with you always. So I did. I cried out. I laid myself down. I picked up my cross. I followed. 

And this weekend as I worshipped and drew close to The Lord with all those women- He freed me. He said you've reached the other shore. You are free. You made it. Be free.

God has been urging me to use my talents and passion to draw close to Him. To lay what I want aside and to just pursue Him. To let Him open my eyes to needs and perspectives and situations I've never seen or experienced. 

A huge part of my life is that I'm the "thirty year old virgin". I'm 100% ok with that! God is teaching me that my emotional & physical and spiritual purity are the greatest gifts I could ever offer to anyone. God is asking me to fully embrace my singleness. To move within it. To speak out about purity. To honor God with my singleness, and use the talents He's given me to do that. 

So this October 14th (my 31st birthday) the new and vastly improved blog/tumblr will go live. It will be about many things but it will mainly focus on being a single Godly woman in this day and age. 

You can find us at thegoldandthepearl.tumblr.com

I am beyond excited about where this is going and where God is going to take all of us- as we as His cherished, beloved, smart, talented women take up our cross and follow Him.

Land or Sea

I don't really have words today. I miss my friend. I'm still hurt. I'm still angry. But I still choose to celebrate him. 

I'll let this song share my heart- it will do a better job than I would do right now.

Land or Sea

Sleeping at Last

One day we'll wake up and realize- To make any difference one must simply try.

Try to use words less than our hands,

For change is a direct result of our plans.

We've got no stakes in the ground.

We've got no anchors tied down.

Land or sea, there are no guarantees here, we know.

There is nothing but our fears of being free.

It feels deeper than any ocean floor,

Our lungs no longer believe in any shore.

So let's dry out our clothes and catch our breath. Our process implies our progress.

We've got no stakes in the ground.

We've got no anchors tied down.

Land or sea, there are no guarantees here, God knows.

There is nothing but our fears of being free.

Finally, there's a mountain beneath us.

But up here our lungs fight against us.

Land or sea, there are no guarantees here.

God knows there is nothing but our fears.

Happy Birthday my friend!!

When Everybody Loves You- You Could Never Be Lonely.

After Adam died I needed something to help me be okay. 

I didn't want to be numb- but I'm melancholy and depression comes easily to me- so I needed some help not slipping over the edge. I looked at a million options- pharmaceuticals, herbs, diet changes- I settled on counseling and an herbal supplement (recommended by Dr. Oz). That combination worked for me. 

I worried about what people thought. 

I remembered every conversation I ever heard as a child growing up about the phenomenon of anti-depressants and how you should just pray through it instead of giving in to those "drugs". 

I'm here to say- sometimes life throws a curveball so fast and so furious that you can't "just get over it" or "pray your way through it". It's too much. You're completely depleted. 

It took every single ounce of energy to wake up and make it through my work day without turning into a sobbing emotional mess. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't have prolonged conversation with people. I went to work, came home, put my pajamas on, & got in the bed with ice cream most nights. (Side note: a bowl of ice cream nightly is actually a pretty good anti-depressant!) 

This regimen lasted for several weeks. I gave myself time. When you walk through such tragic grief- time is the only thing that is constant- it continues on whether you want it to or not. It can be your friend and it can be your enemy. BUT- Time really does heal all wounds if you let it. 

But in that time- I changed. 

I became a braver, kinder, stronger version of myself. I learned I could do hard things. And I did one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I also carry the scar of losing someone I loved dearly. And that scar is not a typical scar. It can scab over and then be ripped open with no warning at all. It's excruciatingly painful- but it's necessary. 

I have wanted to throw in the towel more times than I even care to count. I wanted someone to take away this pain. The tears. The heartache. But no one came. In the quiet of the night when the silence and my mountain of unanswered questions became too much to bear- it was just me and God. I journaled a lot. I wrote Adam letters. I was angry with him- I told him that. I told him how much I missed him. I said goodbye. I prayed. I worshipped. I cried. And the pain never went away- it became a part of who I am. The new normal.

I love that God gives you exactly what you need despite how desperately you want something different. He has walked alongside me during this entire journey. And I have been so blessed to have so many amazing friends who have touched my life over the years and especially through my heartache. I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with many people that I love over the last two weeks. Firstly my dear sweet friend Mandy came to town. She is so precious to me. We were roommates and are soul sisters- we can talk about anything. And we do. There are no pretenses. We cut to the bottom line with each other. Always. It was so refreshing to have her here. To talk about what has happened. The say Adams name and not worry that I was going to ruin someone else's day. To talk about him & remember the fun & not just the tragic. 

Two days after Mandy left my best friend Logan came to town. He came to deal with a family emergency-and I am so honored to have walked with him through life's ups and downs for the last 20 years. He is truly my brother & I love that we just know each other.

Then my best friend from college came into town with his family for vacation- I usually spend time with them every year, but this year they came to Orange Beach instead of Panama City. They landed on my turf, and it made me extremely happy. There is zero room for a facade with the Lansdons. I am a part of their family. I love them with my whole heart and sitting in my beach chair relaxing and talking with some of my dearest friends was exactly what I needed. To just relax. To not have my guard up. 

Too much of this new normal is spent with a shield protecting me. I hate it, but opening myself up again is nearly unbearable. I can deal with what I have right now. But new is too hard. So I tend to shut myself off from new relationships. I am working on it though. Slowly. There is a part of me that wants to forget Adam. To forget this tragedy is a part of my story. To forget the pain that suicide has caused me. To go back to my life before him. But when it comes down to it- I can't. There is too much good. Too much fun. Too much laughter. And too many tears. As much as I long to heal this lingering heartbreak and go back to the girl I was before he entered my life- I can't. So I live on- I carry the scar of the pain & I show up for other people. I remember to be brave. I remember to be kind- for everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. I continue to rest- in the presence of people who love me, in who I am, in the goodness and perfect timing of God. And then I get up and try again. Time is on my side. Time heals all wounds. As my friend Glennon taught me: Show up. Be brave. Be kind. Rest. Try again. 

On Comfort

I love comfort food.
There is nothing I like more when it's rained for 3 days to curl up on the couch with a huge bowl of hot cheesy macaroni and watch Netflix.

I like comfy clothes.
I am still waiting for it to be wholly acceptable to wear exercise pants to work everyday.

I like to be comforted.
When I am upset, angry, or sad- I want to be comforted. There is something about being told your feelings are valid, just, and true that makes it better.

I like to comfort others.
I want to listen and console them. I want them to know they aren't alone--ever. Things will get better.

Last week one of my dearest little lambs (lamb is a pet name I use for my "special" people in my life) whom I love so much, got thrown into that completely overwhelming sea of grief. As soon as I found out I was instantly overwhelmed with grief for her.

My heart broke.

That sea is harsh and unrelenting and you NEVER want someone you love that much to be carelessly tossed into it.

But the thing about it is this- that sea is full of God's faithfulness. FULL OF IT.

I went to be with her and her family and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I was so blessed to see her and all of her friends come together to honor their dear friend. I was honored to be able to be there and help them do what needed to be done.

I was able to comfort in the way I had been comforted. And comfort comes in a million different forms while you swim aimlessly in the sea of grief. One day it's someone bringing food. Another day it's someone taking you to lunch. Then it's someone doing your laundry. And sweeping your floors. Other days it's people coming to be with you even if you sit in silence.
Comfort is everywhere- you just have to want it.

I look back on the last year and a half and I am SO AMAZED at how far God has brought me.
I remember those first few hours and thinking there was no way I was going to make it through this.
I really doubted God, myself, and everyone around me.
But God had other plans.
He promises to never give us more than we can bear.
He teaches us how I bend and not break.
He teaches us how to rely on His grace and mercy and sovereignty.

If we let Him- He comforts us.

That pain- it never goes away.
But it changes.
It lessens over time.
It becomes something you can use to comfort others.

"The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will." (Isaiah 50:4 NLT)

After the flood all the colors come out.

Life is messy.
Life is fun
Life is hard.
And life is beautyFULL.
I love my life:
I love every ounce of joy and pain.
Every second of confusion and certainty.
Every time I make the right or wrong decision.
All the struggles and ALL the victories.
I love it because I own it. It is mine.
Every single piece.
I am a super social person. I love being with and around people. I love conversation and honesty. I love being real. For a lot of my life I wasn't the real me. I was what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Somewhere I realized I am free to be me. God made me in His image and when I am not myself I am hindering someone from seeing God. So now I love hard, laugh loud, and live my life- for me!

I am a single 30 year old. I
don't mean single like I'm not currently in a relationship... I mean-I have never had a boyfriend.
I have never been on a date.
I have never been pursued romantically by a guy.
Yet- I yearn to be married.
And here I am living in a place with zero prospects. And I don't feel sorry for myself about it, but the other day I was talking with a friend about how I desire marriage & if that isn't what God has for me, for Him to take that desire away. We talked for a bit about relationships and marriage and life and then kind of left it. But late that night as I was praying I began thinking about what I know to be true:
God gives us the desires of our hearts. But ultimately God desires US.

I have always and will always want my desires to match Gods. So as I was praying and seeking God- I had a revelation. God will never take my desire of a marriage away- because that's what I was created for. I am Christ's bride and if I never ever get to wear a beautiful wedding dress and walk down an aisle and be a princess for a day, if I never see the wedding I have dreamed about take place here on earth- that's ok. I get to have a wedding by a glassy sea. To a king. And that's the one worth waiting for. Eternity. In heaven. I am totally ok with that. I'd almost prefer it... almost. :)
Like I said life is messy and too many times in a day, a week, a month, I take my heart and mind off of what I know is true! God is my first love. Always and forever. God desires me. I must look to Him. I must seek and honor Him in all things. And I have Him and that's all I need.

"What you don't have, you don't need it now." U2

Lofty Heights

This morning was cleaning morning. Namely pool cleaning morning- my pool is my arch nemesis. But I started early & let the Polaris do most of the work. I set about vacuuming and stripping beds. I came outside to check on everything just a little while ago as I noticed it was getting fairly overcast. I walked into the backyard and realized the wind had picked up. Rain is coming. I decided that now would be the best time to get the magic eraser out to clean the pool stairs. So I started scrubbing. I stood up as I finished and saw a hawk soaring on the gusts of wind. I stood and stared for several minutes.
I envied that bird.
He wasn't spending time cleaning pools or kitchens or doing laundry.
He was soaring.
The part that had me so enamored was that he wasn't doing any of the work. He was just utilizing the force of the wind. There was no flapping of the wings. He just postured his wings straight out his body was straight and he utilized the wind to move him wherever it wanted.
He had no agenda.
He just wanted to enjoy this small moment of time where he didn't have to exert any extra force.
It's a parallel to our relationship with God.
God says, posture yourself before me- I'll do all the work, but LET ME. Surrender yourself to the wind & don't fight it. SOAR on it. ENJOY IT. We shouldn't have an agenda about what we want God to do. We just move where he sends us. But too often we take back control & say "God you almost crashed me into that tree- I'm gonna flap my wings now and fly myself."

We don't trust.

"But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Take a little time to soar in His presence today!

Upon The Waters

Today is April Fools Day.

I started today with a quote: "Trust no one today & believe nothing that is said."
April Fools is a big deal for some people, practical jokers and comedians alike.
I am gullible & will believe most anything within reason. Many people have gotten me really good-so many times, I always outright trust that they are telling the truth.

I will trust others but I can't trust myself.

Trust is such a huge issue for me. I struggle more in my Christian walk in that area than anywhere else. Which is sad because its all about trust and faith and hope and mercy and love. But I'm saying more so that I don't trust myself. I am flesh and bone with a spirit inside of me that just longs for home- and this broken and bruised earth isn't it. And too many days I let the fear of the wrong decisions haunt me. I doubt. I worry. But in the same breath I am begging God to take me deeper. To call me into something mysterious and wonderful. To give me this great and mighty testimony to live. But my trust issues come creeping in. I get stuck. I get scared. I'm Peter. I'm totally Peter.

But as I think back to Easter. To the Power that is mine because of Jesus' sacrifice. My hope is renewed. My faith increases. My trust becomes firm instead of wavering. God has never failed me. His promises are true. He walks beside me.

I know that I can step out of the boat. That He is trustworthy and true. I am His daughter. He loves me and wants greatness for me. So if He calls me down the street or to the ends of the Earth I walk in the power of His resurrection and His sovereignty. He will never lead me to something He hasn't equipped me for.

In His presence my faith is made stronger and ultimately complete. And it all starts with the trust to make that first step. My feet may fail me- but I took the step.

He is there. He is ready for my doubt. Even my failures. He assures me He is in control. And I stop and look and realize that I am continually living out the story God has written for me and it all hinges on my trust in Him. I know His ways are just and true and right. And I continue to walk out upon the waters. Wherever He leads I follow. Oceans deep and rivers wide- I'm out upon the waters.

I am His & He is mine.