Age Breeds Wisdom

I have approximately 13 hours left in my 20's. I am sad to see a decade of some of my best and worst years fade away. Best because I have grown tremendously. Worst because I have walked through crazy tragedy. But that's what life is Triumph and Tragedy. Today I ran a 5k. My first one! It was a goal I had & I achieved it! I feel so proud of myself! My life is such a blessing. I am so blessed with family and friends who love, support, and cherish me. My Life Is Full. I love it.
It's funny when I think about being 20, and looking towards 30 seemed so far away. It's not- it sneaks up on you! Some of the greatest things I've learned in the last 30 years:
Fight hard.
Love hard.
Have no regrets.
Listen.
Honor people with your time.
Be spontaneous.
TRAVEL!
Set goals and work hard to achieve them.
Say yes at least one time when you want to say no.
Be kind to a stranger- it might get you out of a sticky situation.
LAUGH- LOUDLY!
Take photos.
Forgive and forget.
You have to walk before you can run.
I've learned so much in such a short time. I look forward to what the next 30 years holds! It is an exciting time!
Age breeds wisdom & this I know-the best is yet to come!

The Summer That I Became a Girl

There is a cool breeze floating through the atmosphere. It calls to me. I am so excited about fall. Not only is my birthday on the quickly approaching horizon. I just love how cozy and homey the fall is. Everybody wants to hang out and have football parties and be together.

I have begun digging out my fall and winter clothing. I have a severe affinity to scarves, jackets, leggings, and boots. It is like an entire new wardrobe that I had forgotten about emerges from it's hiding in the dark corners of my closet.

This particular fall wardrobe swap makes me a bit sad. You see, this summer I became a girl. NOT in the gender sense, but in the love of dresses, skirts, and heels sense. The funny part of this is that my entire life I have envied my two younger sisters. They are tall and beautiful and models. I am not so tall, but equally as beautiful. I have been scared to embrace my curves and my wild unruly hair and I had no time to wear makeup or learn to walk in heels without hurting myself.

This year something changed. In March I started perusing the racks and racks of cute spring clothing and thinking to myself, "You can pull off this super cute drop waist dress." That particular dress wasn't as cute as I'd hoped it to be, but several of the fifteen others I tried did work.
One dress after another and I became a bit obsessed.

I am going to be honest. I am not a small girl. I'm curvaceous and have my fair share of BAD hair days and my thighs touch when I walk and it's annoying. BUT I'm comfortable in my body and being comfortable in your body is the first step in a lot of things, the most important being-building up your self confidence. I once had a friend ask me how I had become so confident of myself. I will say this: I know what I am capable of, I know what I like and what I don't, I like being in control, and I know what I am worth. Those things coupled with a genuine love of myself, not conceit, give me a really solid foundation of self worth. I just don't compromise for less than I am worth.

ANYWAY back to the dresses. I found several staple dresses that I loved. Then came the shoes. I live near the coast, so most of the year is spent in open-toed shoes and sandals. One day while on the phone with my best friend complaining of my need for heels but my ever present fear of breaking my neck, she suggested the wearing of wedges. That weekend yielded a fantastic find at the local goodwill, and I fell in love!
That one dress lead to about twenty in different variations. Lacey, cotton, short, edgy, long, dressy, vintage and casual. Those heels lead to several pairs of wedges, some kitten heeled pumps, and some super tall heels for the girls night out! I had transformed from the casual GAP poster girl to the girl who embraced the InStyle and Vogue fashion pages.

The former sixth grader who wore white jeans and a white esprit t-shirt to picture day and effectively looked like the abominable snowman; wearing heels and dresses and makeup and curling my hair and LOVING it!
I loved that people noticed. I loved that I felt comfortable. I loved the complete deviation from my normal jeans and t-shirt uniform. I loved the absolute femininity. It was an amazing summer.

It is amazing and I fully intend on carrying this love of myself and fashion into the fall with me, because what you love, you can't leave behind.    

The Wild Blue Yonder

I am a runner. Sometimes I don't know what to do in life. I freak out inside and I run. It took me a long time to realize that tendency in my life. You have no idea how many times over the last two and a half years that I've wanted to pack up my life and run. Drive until my car ran out of gas. Then run until my legs couldn't carry me anymore. But the thing I knew I couldn't do was run. I knew I had to stay put. No matter how hard it was. So stay is what I did. I lived on a roller coaster. But I continued to sit strapped in and experience every climb to the top and every tumultuous fall that left the pit of my stomach empty and aching. So here I am- a stronger person for braving that ride. About a month ago, prompted by my best friend, I started running. In the exercise sense. It's crazy, I've begun to look forward to having it as an outlet. There are plenty of days I've ended my run with my face stained with hot tears. Sometimes with tears of surprise and joy. But all the while purging. Purging pain. Purging anger. Purging bitterness. Purging the crap from my body. Purging. And now I realize, I am actually a runner. And I'm not running away. I'm running toward something. I'm running toward health and wellness- being whole. The experience has also opened so many opportunities. It's allowed me to be confident and sure of who I am. So I say all that to say- I'm heading into the wild blue yonder. This week is my last week to work at Starbucks. It's a bit scary. I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone. My comfort circle of everything I've known for the last 4 years. I have been given an amazing opportunity to open and independent coffee shop. I had been pursued for months and kept saying no, I was scared. It couldn't work. I couldn't leave the security i had. I prayed and considered and weighed all the options and scenarios. I finally decided that it was too good of an opportunity. I also knew that in this opportunity I was moving into something new and different and exciting. I'm ready. It's been a process, but I'm excited. I'm ready to see what this chapter of my life holds. I believe that ultimately it holds greatness, because I deserve greatness. I am SO ready for greatness.

Seven Nine TwentyTwelve

"In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane. Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain.
Beating out of my chest-my heart is holding on to you, from the moment I knew." -Sara Barielles
I have been dreading today for the last 5 months. Today is Adams birthday. It's crazy, I don't loathe the second of the month as much anymore. But this day, the day he entered this world, is different. I have walked around for days feeling like I would suffocate under the weight of this day. I think about it like this: I was so blessed to have him for two years. To celebrate two birthdays with him. To celebrate him. His life. And to celebrate his life is not without remembering his death. That is hard. I miss him everyday. I think about him often. I am sad that there are a million earthly experiences he'll never get to have.
I am so ever grateful for the things I have learned through this. Things I needed to learn & experience. I learned to be selfish in my experience of grief. I learned to seize every moment you have with the people you love. Take lots of pictures. Tell people how you feel when you have an opportunity. I am still learning how to let go. To love and to let go.
So I say happy birthday my friend. I miss you more than words. I'm proud of you and I love you. We'll be eating cupcakes and sushi in your honor tonight.

"You're Holding in your Hands the Two Halves of my Heart"

Monday night I had the amazing opportunity to see Coldplay in Atlanta. Now this is the third time I've seen them perform, but never like this. As the house lights went out and the entire arena went black, the anticipation was palpable. I began smiling with joy & excitement. I read in a book one time about the author having a transcendent experience at a U2 concert during the opening lines of "Where the Streets Have No Name". (I've experienced that & believe me it is amazing) In those few fleeting seconds of quiet anticipation and darkness, I prepared- I knew this would be something I'd want to remember for forever. Every single second of those 2 1/2 hours was sheer magic. First of all, there were glow in the dark bracelets that were radio controlled and they glowed to the beat of the music. Secondly Chris Martin must empty himself of every ounce of energy he can conjure up- because I know he didn't stop running around like a wild banshee the entire time. It was fantastic. Thirdly the confetti/huge balloons/blow-up symbols that made their way throughout the arena just intensified the feeling of oneness with the band and the other thousands of people around you. And who doesn't like confetti?!? Especially confetti that glows in the dark! Lastly towards the end of the show the band came out and played two songs near the back of the arena. A row in front of me! I was ecstatic with sheer joy! This was by far the most memorable and exciting part of the evening. Joined together with friends I love dearly, two feet away from a band whose music has gotten me through a plethora of situations, singing every single word. It was an irrevocably awe inspiring and transcendent experience for me that I will never forget.

"The futures for discovering the space in which we're traveling"

This week I had the amazing opportunity to join some of my greatest friends on their family vacation. The Lansdon family is one that is close to my heart. Adam their oldest was a fast friend in college & we've enjoyed the ebb & flow of friendship for the last 11 years. We've walked through life together, heartache and happiness. I am so proud of the man and husband he has become. I can remember so many times of struggle, but he persevered and is pursuing some amazing things. He is determined. I love his zeal & excitement for life. He is such an adventurer, I love that about him. His wife Angie is so much fun to be around! I am so blessed to also share a friendship with her. She is such a strong, beautiful, determined, and amazing woman! I love getting to spend time with her! She has this sweetness that just emanates from her. She is so welcoming and always includes people in everything. I am so excited for this chapter of her life that has opened up. I know it will help her to blossom and grow even more.
Sister Megan-I've written before about how I regret that I didn't become friends with her sooner-her brother knew we would be two peas in a pod! It's true! She is a friend that can see right through me. She is sassy (in a good way). She's so witty and sarcastic. She wants to be British just as much as I do! She's so smart and talented. And she cares. This I think is the quality I love most about her. Her heart. I can't begin to say how many times we've talked for hours about love & God & friendship & family & relationships. We've hashed out our hopes and dreams and fears with one another. It's because she cares enough to get deep. She cares enough to not let go when it's hard. She cares enough to let go when she needs to. She cares enough to love with everything she is. She just cares. It sets her apart, not many people are willing to do what she's done in my life & in many others. I love her for that. For caring about me & for trudging into places no one else wanted to go, for me.
Words cannot express how thankful I am for ALL of them in my life. Each of them give me a sense of joy and fun and peace when I'm with them. There is no pretense. We just get together and are what we are and do what we do. It's easy. And it's enjoyable. It's what a family is. And I am so beyond blessed to be a small part of theirs!
To Kim & Joe, thanks for your amazing kids and for letting me be a part, I am so thankful and blessed by you two! Thank you & I love all of you!

What kind of heart doesn't look back?

I feel like I can't catch my breath.
The wind has been knocked out of me. It hurts.
So bad.
And here I am, left here to crawl my way out of this.
It's been months.
We don't talk about it.
Partly because all it does is bring back every ounce of searing, blinding pain. Partly because it's self preservation- if we don't talk about it-if we don't talk about him, we can move past it.
We can move on.
Pretending those two years didn't happen is easier than living in the reality that they did. That he had us all fooled and that his pain overwhelmed him. The hatred he allowed himself to feel overtook him.
He ended his own life at the hands of a million lies.
It's not fair.
I still find myself searching for a reason to believe its not true.
I do ok most days.
It's the worst at night. I hear a song. Think of something to tell him. Find out about something I know he would like. And it's like a swift punch in my gut. My breath is gone again. I remember. The phone call. The moment my world stopped spinning. The defiance. The unbelief. The pleading. My broken heart. In those dark quiet hours of remembrance- it still bleeds. But even though it's painful I still want to remember. I want to relish in every moment of happiness we shared. Every single argument we had. All the inside jokes. All the good and all the not so good. There are so many memories together. Those memories are the only thing left. They are the only thing we can hold on to that proves he was here.
I wish I would've called. I wish I would've [could've] stopped this.
But what had been decided had already been set into motion & he had every opportunity for it to not be like this.
The pain was too strong.
The hurt was overwhelming.
His shame consumed him.
He felt like it was too much.
He felt like this was his only choice. That's the part that unhinges me every time- he was convinced he had no other option.
Suicide- I haven't figured out how I feel about it. I used to think it was an automatic sentence to damnation.
Now I'm not so sure.
Actually I'm not sure at all.
God is a forgiving God.
He is just & merciful.
I just don't know.
The questions swirl around in my head a thousand times a day. I don't know what to do with them. The questions I have will never have answers. The person that could give them to me made sure that I would never get them.
This entire experience makes me want to not ever let my guard down. It makes me want to seal my heart and my love away in a dark tiny crevice of myself and never let it out. If I could get away with it I would totally shut myself off from everyone. But the people in my life love me too much to let me do that.
Love- that's the thing- I let myself love him. Now I can't let go. Regardless of if he loved me the same way or not-he still loved me and he let me in as far as he let anyone in.
So many conversations, so much time. Now it's just gone.
Gone.
He's just gone.
There's nothing special, or romantic, or redeeming about it.
Just gone.
And here I am not even able to breathe... I just hope someday I'll breathe again.