On Comfort

I love comfort food.
There is nothing I like more when it's rained for 3 days to curl up on the couch with a huge bowl of hot cheesy macaroni and watch Netflix.

I like comfy clothes.
I am still waiting for it to be wholly acceptable to wear exercise pants to work everyday.

I like to be comforted.
When I am upset, angry, or sad- I want to be comforted. There is something about being told your feelings are valid, just, and true that makes it better.

I like to comfort others.
I want to listen and console them. I want them to know they aren't alone--ever. Things will get better.

Last week one of my dearest little lambs (lamb is a pet name I use for my "special" people in my life) whom I love so much, got thrown into that completely overwhelming sea of grief. As soon as I found out I was instantly overwhelmed with grief for her.

My heart broke.

That sea is harsh and unrelenting and you NEVER want someone you love that much to be carelessly tossed into it.

But the thing about it is this- that sea is full of God's faithfulness. FULL OF IT.

I went to be with her and her family and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I was so blessed to see her and all of her friends come together to honor their dear friend. I was honored to be able to be there and help them do what needed to be done.

I was able to comfort in the way I had been comforted. And comfort comes in a million different forms while you swim aimlessly in the sea of grief. One day it's someone bringing food. Another day it's someone taking you to lunch. Then it's someone doing your laundry. And sweeping your floors. Other days it's people coming to be with you even if you sit in silence.
Comfort is everywhere- you just have to want it.

I look back on the last year and a half and I am SO AMAZED at how far God has brought me.
I remember those first few hours and thinking there was no way I was going to make it through this.
I really doubted God, myself, and everyone around me.
But God had other plans.
He promises to never give us more than we can bear.
He teaches us how I bend and not break.
He teaches us how to rely on His grace and mercy and sovereignty.

If we let Him- He comforts us.

That pain- it never goes away.
But it changes.
It lessens over time.
It becomes something you can use to comfort others.

"The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will." (Isaiah 50:4 NLT)

After the flood all the colors come out.

Life is messy.
Life is fun
Life is hard.
And life is beautyFULL.
I love my life:
I love every ounce of joy and pain.
Every second of confusion and certainty.
Every time I make the right or wrong decision.
All the struggles and ALL the victories.
I love it because I own it. It is mine.
Every single piece.
I am a super social person. I love being with and around people. I love conversation and honesty. I love being real. For a lot of my life I wasn't the real me. I was what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Somewhere I realized I am free to be me. God made me in His image and when I am not myself I am hindering someone from seeing God. So now I love hard, laugh loud, and live my life- for me!

I am a single 30 year old. I
don't mean single like I'm not currently in a relationship... I mean-I have never had a boyfriend.
I have never been on a date.
I have never been pursued romantically by a guy.
Yet- I yearn to be married.
And here I am living in a place with zero prospects. And I don't feel sorry for myself about it, but the other day I was talking with a friend about how I desire marriage & if that isn't what God has for me, for Him to take that desire away. We talked for a bit about relationships and marriage and life and then kind of left it. But late that night as I was praying I began thinking about what I know to be true:
God gives us the desires of our hearts. But ultimately God desires US.

I have always and will always want my desires to match Gods. So as I was praying and seeking God- I had a revelation. God will never take my desire of a marriage away- because that's what I was created for. I am Christ's bride and if I never ever get to wear a beautiful wedding dress and walk down an aisle and be a princess for a day, if I never see the wedding I have dreamed about take place here on earth- that's ok. I get to have a wedding by a glassy sea. To a king. And that's the one worth waiting for. Eternity. In heaven. I am totally ok with that. I'd almost prefer it... almost. :)
Like I said life is messy and too many times in a day, a week, a month, I take my heart and mind off of what I know is true! God is my first love. Always and forever. God desires me. I must look to Him. I must seek and honor Him in all things. And I have Him and that's all I need.

"What you don't have, you don't need it now." U2

Lofty Heights

This morning was cleaning morning. Namely pool cleaning morning- my pool is my arch nemesis. But I started early & let the Polaris do most of the work. I set about vacuuming and stripping beds. I came outside to check on everything just a little while ago as I noticed it was getting fairly overcast. I walked into the backyard and realized the wind had picked up. Rain is coming. I decided that now would be the best time to get the magic eraser out to clean the pool stairs. So I started scrubbing. I stood up as I finished and saw a hawk soaring on the gusts of wind. I stood and stared for several minutes.
I envied that bird.
He wasn't spending time cleaning pools or kitchens or doing laundry.
He was soaring.
The part that had me so enamored was that he wasn't doing any of the work. He was just utilizing the force of the wind. There was no flapping of the wings. He just postured his wings straight out his body was straight and he utilized the wind to move him wherever it wanted.
He had no agenda.
He just wanted to enjoy this small moment of time where he didn't have to exert any extra force.
It's a parallel to our relationship with God.
God says, posture yourself before me- I'll do all the work, but LET ME. Surrender yourself to the wind & don't fight it. SOAR on it. ENJOY IT. We shouldn't have an agenda about what we want God to do. We just move where he sends us. But too often we take back control & say "God you almost crashed me into that tree- I'm gonna flap my wings now and fly myself."

We don't trust.

"But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Take a little time to soar in His presence today!

Upon The Waters

Today is April Fools Day.

I started today with a quote: "Trust no one today & believe nothing that is said."
April Fools is a big deal for some people, practical jokers and comedians alike.
I am gullible & will believe most anything within reason. Many people have gotten me really good-so many times, I always outright trust that they are telling the truth.

I will trust others but I can't trust myself.

Trust is such a huge issue for me. I struggle more in my Christian walk in that area than anywhere else. Which is sad because its all about trust and faith and hope and mercy and love. But I'm saying more so that I don't trust myself. I am flesh and bone with a spirit inside of me that just longs for home- and this broken and bruised earth isn't it. And too many days I let the fear of the wrong decisions haunt me. I doubt. I worry. But in the same breath I am begging God to take me deeper. To call me into something mysterious and wonderful. To give me this great and mighty testimony to live. But my trust issues come creeping in. I get stuck. I get scared. I'm Peter. I'm totally Peter.

But as I think back to Easter. To the Power that is mine because of Jesus' sacrifice. My hope is renewed. My faith increases. My trust becomes firm instead of wavering. God has never failed me. His promises are true. He walks beside me.

I know that I can step out of the boat. That He is trustworthy and true. I am His daughter. He loves me and wants greatness for me. So if He calls me down the street or to the ends of the Earth I walk in the power of His resurrection and His sovereignty. He will never lead me to something He hasn't equipped me for.

In His presence my faith is made stronger and ultimately complete. And it all starts with the trust to make that first step. My feet may fail me- but I took the step.

He is there. He is ready for my doubt. Even my failures. He assures me He is in control. And I stop and look and realize that I am continually living out the story God has written for me and it all hinges on my trust in Him. I know His ways are just and true and right. And I continue to walk out upon the waters. Wherever He leads I follow. Oceans deep and rivers wide- I'm out upon the waters.

I am His & He is mine.

You're Hot Then You're Cold

There are times that I need to remind myself that being single isn't a curse-that this freedom that I have now, won't last forever. So today I'm going to write myself some reminders about how to be completely fantastic in life, whether dating or not.
So ladies, here you go. I'm letting you in on my reminders and tips in no certain order!!!
-Be Comfortable. In who you are. In where you are. In what you do. In what you wear. I literally cannot stress this enough. It's the foundation of everything you do & if you're uncomfortable all the time, you won't get very far. For instance right now I am wearing a really uncomfortable pair of jeans. I don't know why- well actually I do, I need to do laundry. BUT I say all that to say- it makes me insecure when I'm not comfortable & when I'm insecure all I can think about is putting on stretchy clothes and laying on the couch and watching Parenthood.
-Be Yourself. reminds me of the Oscar Wilde quote: "Be yourself everyone else is already taken." Ladies it's TRUE!!! I will be the first person to tell you, I LOVE fashion magazines. But I also know what my body is capable of & short of removing both lungs, stomach, intestines and my entire butt- I WILL NEVER BE A SIZE ZERO!!!!! & I am completely and totally ok with that. I could stand to be healthier, but "skinny" will never be my goal. Take those fashions & styles & tweak them into your own. Learn what works for your body. Be comfortable (see above if you still don't know how to do that!) Also Find something you love & be passionate about it. What makes your heart smile? What could you do for the rest of your life? Think about it! Work toward it! Don't fall into the trap of changing to attract or get close to someone. it.never.works. One day you'll forget that Joe Schmoe doesn't like onions (you've been avoiding them for weeks because of this) you'll go to dinner eat a million onions & BAM! you've now outed yourself. Be yourself, if you want to eat onions, eat them! Bottom line- Don't change who you are for a guy. Just don't do it, okay?
-Stop Having a Public Fit About Being Single. I will admit I still struggle with this sometimes. It's one thing to be with your girlfriends with a glass of wine after a romantic movie and complain that you want a guy to come pick you up on a lawnmower or in a stretch limo or on a white horse. It's an entire new ballgame when you take that complaining to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even Pinterest. (yes, you! with your "secret" boards!!) Complaining is still complaining even when no one hears or sees it!! AND guess what that cute guy that's Facebook stalking you... he sees it & it's a complete turn off.
-Don't Date to Date. Lets have an honesty moment. Girls go from sitting down to dinner with a guy & ordering an appetizer to being married by the main course. Ladies- THAT'S NOT REAL LIFE!!! Control your thoughts. Not every guy you go to dinner with will you go to dinner with again- for sure you won't get married to him!! Chill the flip out!! If a guy asks you to dinner, or a movie, or bowling, or mini-golf that's okay. Go. Have fun. Enjoy not paying for dinner for once- but keep your emotions in check. Just be yourself. Don't talk about marriage, or wanting 16 kids, or the fact that you have 7 cats. Ask questions. engage. Be all in. PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY! Ask about what their favorite color, band, place they've visited, what the craziest thing they've done is. Talking will go away if we don't continue to do it.
-Know Whats Going On. Watch the news. & No E!News doesn't count! Pay attention to whats going on in the world. This is a good habit to be able to hold a conversation on a date/dinner party/social situation. This is a good habit to have as a Human! Our generation relies too much on social media & not enough on News Media.
-Enjoy Your Freedom. Guess what!?! If you want to get on a plane and go to Paris, or London, or Bangkok, or Rio De Janeiro- YOU CAN. You just get a ticket and go. You don't have to coordinate schedules. Or worry about someone having a fit because your not there. You're free to roam. Embrace that freedom.
Live your life now. It doesn't start when you start dating or when you get married. It's Happening NOW!!!

Stop This Runaway Car

As I have discussed a million times... I am a runner. Things get hard, or messy, or scary, or have any semblance of being something I can't handle- I run.

Well, I used to run.

The last several years of my life have been about learning to plant my feet and stay.

Staying means being vulnerable.

For a long time I was okay with barricades and walls built around myself with locks and thrown away keys- if it meant I didn't have to be vulnerable.

Something happened as I got older- I got TIRED. Tired of being the gatekeeper, the watchmen, the soldier, and the runner.
I just wanted to be myself.

The problem: I didn't know who I was.

I had lived my life for so many other people my whole life. My life was built on a foundation of sinking sand. And ultimately when you want to figure yourself & your life out- you have to be vulnerable. For me that meant consistency. And brokenness. And tearing down walls. And no running. It meant I had to work hard. I had to confess failures. Seek forgiveness. Apologize. I had to fully own my mistakes.

I hated it at first. I opened my life up and so much junk had to come out and had to be dealt with.

Yep- running is so much easier!
So MUCH easier!!!

But I planted my feet and stayed. I dug in. I learned who I am. I learned who God is. I learned what love is. I learned how to be intentional. I learned how to be genuine. I learned how to have joy.

Sure in the midst of the purging I was bitter and hateful and of course none of it was my fault. But as continued to stand firm, my heart softened.
I was bent but I didn't break.

That's the trick in life be flexible enough that even under insurmountable pressure- you bend. Learn not to break. Learn to stay. Be vulnerable. Let people in.

Fear gives you two options in life:
Forget everything and run or
Face everything and rise.
Won't you just stay?

You Are The Moon That Pulls Me Through The Night

This post is about gratitude.
And love.
And acceptance.
And saying thank you.
And saying goodbye.
There were many days I didn't think I'd survive this year.
It was by far one of the hardest of my life.
But as I have said many times- you've got to keep moving.

There are a lot of people that helped me through so many dark nights, that led me out of grief and sorrow into the joy of the morning!! So I will begin with my gratitude and thanks.

Traci Calvert- thank you. Thank you for loving me enough to call me & make sure I was ok. For literally coming to get me! Tragedy brought our friendship to an entire new level and I am so thankful for it! I cherish every moment we've spent together- good and bad!

Cathy & Craig- there are no words... Thank you is not even good enough. For the late night talks, for the piano, for the rose, for everything...You two made sure I was safe and comfortable and that means more than you will ever know! You are my family!

Summer & Ricky- Summer, I am so thankful for your support, your honesty, and the laughter & the crazy situations we find ourselves in- they are always good medicine! I am thankful they happen with you, and I'm thankful we can always laugh at ourselves! Ricky- you are truly such a brother to me! Always open and supportive and caring! Thank you for praying & being you!! I miss my Shaw family!!!

Colleene- for showing up. thank you. For sitting with me while I did hard things.

Karen- you are just you. I am eternally grateful for your love and support. always.

Rachel- for your secret plans to come here & for coming later, when I needed you to be here-thanks! I love you my sweet friend!

Trudi- you give so tirelessly to so many, you are a true blessing!!

Jen- my oldest and dearest friend. You've walked with me through it all, thank you for just being there. For asking the hard questions, and checking on me!

Megan & Kristen- our time together is irreplaceable! I love you both so much! I am so thankful for the miracles we experienced together.

Jenny- you prayed that this year would pass quickly, it did and I am so thankful for you, for that prayer, and that God answered it.

Mrs. Sara- For our small group family. For so many memories. For loving all of us. Thank You.

Gloria Ann & Michael- love you sweet little Hankins!!! so much!! You guys and your family are such a blessing to me!! I am thankful for our friendships!! I love laughing and being with you guys!!

Logan- You would've been here in hours, had I just said the word- thank you for being such an amazing brother to me.

Jenna- your love and laughter is always good for my soul!

Taryn- I just love you! Thanks for being there!

Pastor Fred & Liz- You guys continue to amaze me! I am thankful for your leadership. Liz thank you for supporting me & crawling under that piano with me.

Everyone who called, showed up, listened, and talked... thank you. Your love is a light.

Here we are a year later and I am in awe of God's continuous love, blessing, grace, and the things He has taught me.

I have prayed and prayed for something good to come from this. For God to take this tragic, heartbreaking story and turn it into something glory giving. A few nights ago, I was studying and praying while thinking about this milestone quickly approaching, and asking God again, "Lord, please let me see the positive!" and then I realized... I am living the positive for my life. Through these circumstances I have laid my life out bare and torn down my walls and moved through a process of grief that my mind told me to run away from. I have not only learned to lean on God, but actually leaned on Him. I know there is blessing and positive and good in that. If only for me.

The Night of Adam's death I wrote a blog about grief being a dark tumultuous sea. Oh How little I knew of what God would teach me about that sea and that darkness and how if we let Him, He always calms the storms.

The water and the waves and the storms and the clear awe inspiring full moons have all been a constant for the last year and the other night God helped me see why. In Luke 8:22 we read the very familiar account of Jesus calming the storm. I was reading this account the other night and God helped me have a revelation about what it meant for me, for this circumstance, and for the future. You see Jesus was with His disciples, they had been preaching and teaching all day it was starting to become night and Jesus said "Lets cross over to the other side." We know what happens- but I don't want to get ahead of myself! But in that statement He is literally asking them to leave the faith they had when they stepped into the boat there and move to another level. "Hey Guys! You don't know it yet but you're about to see another miracle and I am going to give you another opportunity to increase your faith... Get in this boat." They get in- Jesus is tired. He goes to take a nap. The storm comes- out of nowhere fast & furious! (much like life's trials and tribulations) They are in the middle of a dark tumultuous sea. And of course Jesus knows that this is going to happen. He's God remember! But the disciples are all like "Jesus is sleeping"... "He doesn't love us"... "We're going to die in this boat. Doesn't he care?"... "I'm wet and uncomfortable"... the panic rises... "WE ARE GOING TO DIE IN THIS DARK SCARY WATER!!"... "Where is Jesus?!?!"
Um, excuse me guys... remember- He's right there! In the hull of that boat. Sleeping. He never left you!

THAT. IS. ME. I am that disciple. I love Jesus, I followed Him into the boat. But at the very mention of something hard or something that makes me vulnerable or in a position where I have to give up control- there I am in the boat screaming and scared because I see a dark cloud and of course I haven't even felt a rain drop yet!!!

but Thankfully John, or Mark, or Luke- SOMEONE goes and wakes Jesus up & He speaks to calm the wind and the waves. The NIV in vs 39 says He said "Quiet, Be Still!!" and the wind died down and it was completely calm. Guys- HE CALMED THE STORM. but more importantly... He Said-Be Quiet. BE STILL. He never leaves. Even when we think we will die because it is so scary... still there and able to calm the storm and calm us in an instant. I love that. I want my faith to be such that when I face storms and difficulty, I KNOW to be still and quiet and that God is able to calm me and that storm!
Where is YOUR faith? Are you beaten down by the relentless wind and rain, and you are so tired and want to give up? Are you still in awe because Jesus just woke up and calmed your storm? Are you standing on the edge of that Lake thinking, I really want to get in that boat & follow Jesus, but what if He forgets about me?
Just know wherever you are- The Lord is there. He sees and knows your pain. He is your rescuer. Your Redeemer. Your Hope. Your future. He Calms the Storms.

I am sad that I got tossed into that sea of uncertainty. Adam I miss you terribly. You were a fantastic friend. Some of the greatest and funniest memories of my life- I have with you. I miss being able to talk to you. To hear you sing. You & Michael & Gunner coming to visit me at Starbucks. I miss sushi on Wednesday nights. Mainly I just miss you. This is goodbye and thank you. Thank you because I needed to let go. I needed to move my faith to the next level. God used this storm to do it. I hate it, but I'm thankful that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that I was still and I let God calm me. Still it is SO hard.
Goodbye my Friend. You are greatly missed. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Be Quiet and Still...

I will leave with this... an excerpt from another blog I follow that sums up how I feel about 2012 and the rest of 2013 much better than I could.

"This year was all about learning that all evidence to the contrary, I am safe. This year was about proving that nothing, but nothing can separate us from the love of God. Even if we die, we don't die. If our dreams die or our bodies die or our beloved dies- WE do not DIE. I know this.
               'In three words I can sum up what I know about life. It goes on.' -Robert Frost
Life has gone on and in the end I have learned this: My Peace is not dependent upon anyone else. Not anymore. My peace is God and God is as close as my decision to sneak away for a moment and find quiet and find my breath and remember that the music is always louder than the crying."

-Glennon Melton

His Love Never Fails. Never Gives Up. Never Runs Out.
He works all things together for my good.

All Good Things in 2013!!

XOXO
LJC :)