Don't Let It Get You Down

"This could be the part of you that you have never seen before... This could be the part of you you want to be."

 

I talk about vulnerability a lot. The last couple of weeks of my life have been an exercise in vulnerability and boundaries and holding my tongue and saying exactly how I feel. I have been all over the map. Every day is an experience to lean in, to feel, and to learn. I don't always learn things the first time. Which in hindsight makes me really sad, NOT learning your lesson just wastes time.

 

In my own life, I am walking down a path that I haven't ever laid eyes upon. Everything is new and sometimes it's really scary. I will certainly be the first person to stand up and say- it's hard. Relationships are hard. Opening yourself up to someone, it's difficult. You not only say here, I trust you with my less than desirable parts, but you accept another persons less than desirable parts. In my life I specifically deal with the fear of loss. I have only seen love fail in my parents [multiple] relationships.  I worry that deep inside me that uncertainty lies and at the most vulnerable point in my life it will come forth. I feel so unworthy to be the person that is responsible for someone else's heart. Really, I am. I'm human & flawed & restless & sometimes frantic, it's only by God's overwhelming Grace and Mercy that He has me where I am right now. 

Late one night while Stunner was still in Europe, I texted Biscuit Momma (who match-made us) and I was on the verge of hysteria. I had let my guard down. I'd let someone in, and I was petrified with fear that he would leave. That it would be the heartbreak from which I might never recover. I went on and on in the overly dramatic fashion that I sometimes (i.e. ALWAYS) adapt in moments of being overwhelmed. I'm pretty certain that she wanted to throat punch me through the phone, but she gently coached me into a position of less hysteria to more reality. 

Slowly I began to realize that not only was Stunner head over heals for me, but I was right there feeling the same way. I was made aware that my heart fully belonged to someone else & my life looked so different than what I was used to. In those moments of reflection I also realized it was exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to give me up for someone else. I wanted to compromise, to let someone in, to empty out my heart at someone else's feet and give everything I had to make it everything it could be. 

It has been nothing short of a fantastic adventure. I have loved every second of it. It hasn't all been bliss and I have absolutely done some of it wrong, but I've learned so much. No time is ever wasted if you learn a lesson and I've still got a lifetime of learning to do. 

Odd Place To Be

Three weeks into my relationship with Stunner we both had previously planned out of town/country trips that put us on two different continents. I went to Chicago for 6 days for my best friends wedding & he went to Europe for 2 weeks with his best friend. I really couldn't figure out how I felt about it. This was a new place for me. I knew I would miss him, a lot, but I also knew I would be busy those 6 days in a city that I love & spending time with some of my greatest friends. Throw that in with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to have a relationship, I kinda just put it in a back corner of my brain & tried not to dwell too much on it. 

The day we said "see you soon" to each other was an unexpectedly emotional one for me. We both exchanged gifts. And as I drove to work that morning, I was sad, but somewhere inside me I knew that this might very well be the last trip we both went on apart from each other. I made my way to the Windy City that night, and as I flew away from him, I settled on the knowledge that  this would be an important journey for each of us. I knew I was standing on the brink of what was & what could be. 

You see- vulnerability is not easy for me. I have lived most of my life behind walls and barriers. I haven't let a lot of people all the way in. The scariest part for me was needing him. I had prayed & waited for what felt like forever, and now I was staring at the real, tangible, and physical representation of what I had prayed my guts out for- for years. I didn't doubt that God had something amazing for me, but I had just gotten so used to what my life was. That life was something I could've done for the rest of my life. I fit into that life. Thinking about moving beyond that really scared me! It was and still is sometimes the oddest feeling. I've said over and over that it is just a completely surreal experience. 

I woke up early that first morning I was in Chicago. I made my way to the hotel lobby & found a quiet nook perfect for some alone time. I settled in and read the first letter from Stunner. Instantly all my fears were tamed. Every morning for those two weeks, I cried over those letters. Not because each of them had some overly emotional verbiage, but because on each one was a little piece of his heart. (And there were sweet and precious gifts too and those were great as well!) BUT his words are & will forever be my favorite! 

Words have long been the biggest area of vulnerability for me. Saying how I feel. He can't read my mind and if I don't say it, I can't expect him to know how I feel. Over those two weeks (thanks to iMessage) we were able to talk to each other, which was like a breath of fresh air to me! We were what felt like a million miles apart, and while I terribly missed the physical nearness of him, I feel like that time apart really helped solidify the importance of communication & vulnerability in me. I realized that I wanted & ultimately I needed to make myself as vulnerable as possible. And as scary as vulnerability is, I knew with every fiber of my being that not being vulnerable was even scarier. Being in a relationship & doing it the right way- being open and vulnerable- is the scariest yet most exhilarating experience I have ever had. Loving someone enough to say, here are my ugly parts & being able to trust them with that is hard. Life is hard. I will say this, hard with someone else is easier than hard all alone and it is utterly worth it. 

Anytime Soon

"The days that we've collected are so unexpectedly filling up the room."

-Holley Maher

In October I went to the lake with several of my friends to celebrate my birthday. I was wrestling with God about several things in my life. He had really been pushing and pulling and shaping and growing me & I just really wanted some time to relax & get some things settled. I spent pretty much the entire weekend reading & worshipping & talking to God. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly I talked about how my life didn't look like what I'd planned. But that's the thing God gently continues to teach me- I don't want my life to look like what I want. I want what He wants for me. But in October, what I wanted was what I had begged God for-for years, for someone to live my life with. Someone to stand beside me, to walk with me, I desperately wanted a mate, and I wasn't shy about telling God about it. But He continued to stand silent on that subject & continued to draw me closer to him. I kept hearing "embrace this time", "tell your story- it's important", "my timing is perfect" and so that weekend before my birthday in October- I wrestled with God on the porch of a beautiful lake house. I walked away knowing that I had fully surrendered what I wanted & that whatever God had for me I was okay with. I began blogging about my singleness. I began to pour out all the feelings that I felt and all the things I had learned, being a single Christian girl gets really really difficult. Especially in today's society.  I knew that my struggle wasn't in vain, I knew my story mattered. So I began to tell it. That porch was a catalyst for change in my life. 

This past weekend I had the opportunity to yet again go to that gorgeous lake house. I sat on that porch, I watched babies play, enjoyed the beautiful weather, and quality time with my best friend & her family. Mostly I enjoyed getting to spend roughly 72 hours of uninterrupted time with my amazingly sweet, loving, and handsome boyfriend. And this time instead of wrestling with God- I offered up a million Thank You's. Thank you God that you are always faithful. Thank you that you give me exactly what I need- even when I don't know what I need. Thank you Lord that your timing is on a scale that I do not understand, but I do know that it is perfect. Thank you that my waiting was not in vain. 

All that thankfulness, it just flows out of me daily, and sometimes hourly, and I never want to forget what it feels like when God does a miracle in my life. I love that I let God write my love story. I don't regret it for a single second. God didn't set me aside- He set me apart. And for that my heart overflows with gratitude and thanksgiving. 

On Freedom

I lose myself in this

unveiling until there is

nothing left of me

but you.

-Steven James

The subject of freedom keeps floating around in my heart lately. I think about my journey to Christ- my journey IN Christ. 

I grew up a good southern baptist girl. I went to Sunday School & GA camp & wore scratchy frilly lace dresses with hats at Easter. I remember bible stories told on felt boards and I remember thinking vacation bible school was the world's greatest thing ever invented- mainly because the kool aid flowed freely. But about the time I entered middle school and my home life and my school life started to get rocky- I started to get tired of the neat little box that my God lived in. I needed something bigger. I needed something free-er. I desired something with less rules & more love.

When I was in eight grade I began to search for God, I had a hunger for his presence that I couldn't describe, yet couldn't quench with the same things I had been doing. My desperation for God's unfailing love became a catalyst for change in my life. At that point in my life, I'd only ever seen "earthly love" fail and I knew there was something more. The mother of a dear friend of mine began taking us to revival services at a church that was experiencing a great outpouring of the spirit of God. I can remember the first night I went- there was so much freedom. Freedom in worship & freedom in expression, but I remember mostly the freedom that came from feeling the peace of God, experiencing His presence like I'd never known. I fell in love with Jesus for the very first time that night. I became part of a small group and fully immersed myself in a discipleship program & I ran with a ravenous heart straight into the arms of Jesus. It is there in that place that I learned to love people. That I learned who I was. That I learned how to truly live. That I learned how to love myself. Those arms were & still are my refuge. You see God redeemed me. He rescued me. Yes there have been times I have walked outside of the reach of those arms, but they are always waiting. They are always wide open and ready to embrace me. 

I really love the way God loves us. It truly enamors me. I am so unworthy of it, but God continues to pour His love upon me, especially when I least deserve it. There are moments in my life that the only response I have to the overwhelming love that God lavishes upon me is to weep. It overwhelms me that His love is perfect peace, His love redeems us, His love perfects us, His perfect love casts out all fear. GOD.IS.LOVE.

And in that love, when we fully embrace it, when we make ourselves vulnerable to it, to everything it asks of us & all that it offers us- it is all the freedom we could ever want to have.

On Freedom

I lose myself in this

unveiling until there is

nothing left of me

but you.

-Steven James

The subject of freedom keeps floating around in my heart lately. I think about my journey to Christ- my journey IN Christ. 

I grew up a good southern baptist girl. I went to Sunday School & GA camp & wore scratchy frilly lace dresses with hats at Easter. I remember bible stories told on felt boards and I remember thinking vacation bible school was the world's greatest thing ever invented- mainly because the kool aid flowed freely. But about the time I entered middle school and my home life and my school life started to get rocky- I started to get tired of the neat little box that my God lived in. I needed something bigger. I needed something free-er. I desired something with less rules & more love.

When I was in eight grade I began to search for God, I had a hunger for his presence that I couldn't describe, yet couldn't quench with the same things I had been doing. My desperation for God's unfailing love became a catalyst for change in my life. At that point in my life, I'd only ever seen "earthly love" fail and I knew there was something more. The mother of a dear friend of mine began taking us to revival services at a church that was experiencing a great outpouring of the spirit of God. I can remember the first night I went- there was so much freedom. Freedom in worship & freedom in expression, but I remember mostly the freedom that came from feeling the peace of God, experiencing His presence like I'd never known. I fell in love with Jesus for the very first time that night. I became part of a small group and fully immersed myself in a discipleship program & I ran with a ravenous heart straight into the arms of Jesus. It is there in that place that I learned to love people. That I learned who I was. That I learned how to truly live. That I learned how to love myself. Those arms were & still are my refuge. You see God redeemed me. He rescued me. Yes there have been times I have walked outside of the reach of those arms, but they are always waiting. They are always wide open and ready to embrace me. 

I really love the way God loves us. It truly enamors me. I am so unworthy of it, but God continues to pour His love upon me, especially when I least deserve it. There are moments in my life that the only response I have to the overwhelming love that God lavishes upon me is to weep. It overwhelms me that His love is perfect peace, His love redeems us, His love perfects us, His perfect love casts out all fear. GOD.IS.LOVE.

And in that love, when we fully embrace it, when we make ourselves vulnerable to it, to everything it asks of us & all that it offers us- it is all the freedom we could ever want to have.

It's Brighter Than Sunshine

Sunday as I sat in church I looked at the date on the bulletin & I realized it was the first of June. I was shocked. I literally thought to myself, how is it June? It was just January. I swear five days ago it was January and now it's summer?!? 

Any time I think about seasons, I think about being in seasons of my life. And I think June is so shocking to me because I feel like I have perpetually been stuck in cold, rainy, and grey January for several years now. I learned to like January. I learned to like the cold and bundling up in big coats and scarves to keep the cold out. I appreciated the random days that got warm enough to go outside and frolic in the sunshine, but those were few and far between. 

Sadly I forgot what long lazy days of summer felt like. Late night stargazing on the grass of the backyard. The smell of salt air & the feel of my toes in the sand. The thrill of barbecues with great friends. I completely forgot. I got stuck in gloves, boots, frost, and soup. 

But on Sunday something inside me shifted, I took off all the coats and hats and scarves and realized it was hot outside. Not only was it hot, it was beautiful! All the dead and barren trees were full of leaves, flowers bloomed, and the sun shone bright. And I realized it was June, and I didn't want to be a stuck in January anymore. I wanted pool days, and long days of light, and laughter, and Popsicles, and watermelon, and strawberries. So I walked with arms spread wide into the blindingly beautiful sunlight, and I have a feeling that my January's won't ever be that cold again. 

Surrendering to God's Design

Tonight I got to spend a much needed girls night with two of my favorite ladies- Soap Girl & Baby Mama. I love spending time with them. We always laugh & joke around. Then somewhere in the middle it gets serious & we talk about what is happening in our lives & we talk about the things that matter to us. Then at the end we linger and try to find a way to stay just five minutes more in each others company. 

Tonight was no exception to the rule, we hadn't been together for about 4 weeks and after a particularly hectic Monday- I was ready for some good laughs. I have known Soap Girl for a long time. We have this really unique relationship in that I was actually best friends with her sister throughout my childhood & she was best friends with my sister & so we have a very open relationship. She has seen me at my best and at my worst. I admire her for her steadfastness & her ability to be the bottom line girl. I can always count on her to tell me the truth. 

Baby Mama is someone who is so precious to me. I've known her for probably 6 years. I have watched her grow and learn about life, herself, & the faithfulness of God over the course of our friendship, and I have loved it. She's the type of person who is so genuine, that sometimes it's hard to believe her. She gives of herself tirelessly, and I admire her greatly. Although she does have a tendency to be late to our weekly get togethers! :)

Tonight the girls (who are both married) started recounting the stories of the beginnings of their relationships with their husbands. It was interesting for me to sit and listen, I know both of their stories fairly well, but they didn't know each other's stories. Soap girl recounted the tale of meeting her now husband & the heartbreak of knowing that he was who God had for her, and watching him date & then get engaged to her best friend. Then having to wait on God & trust that He would bring everything back around in His time.  Baby Mama talked about in the beginnings of her relationship with her husband and needing to be in control and have as much information that she could get out of him; before her husband she'd been in an emotionally & sometimes physically abusive relationship for far too long and carried with her the insecurities of that. 

As I sat there, I was silently praising God for the covenant that I made when I was 12. To keep myself pure. To be not only physically pure, but also emotionally and spiritually pure. One of my life's verses is Matthew 7:6-8 "Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you in pieces. Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you. For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking, [the door] will be opened. (AMP)" that verse is not only about keeping what is sacred, sacred- but about perseverance. We keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking and eventually we receive, we find, and eventually the door is opened. I wear some sort of pearl jewelry every day, earrings, a necklace, a bracelet, it reminds me to keep what is holy in my life holy AND to be sacred. Those sacred intimate parts of who I am are first and foremost God's- He is and will always be my first love. 

As I listened to my friends talk about overcoming many obstacles to achieve the marriages that they have now, I thanked God for his faithfulness. I was thankful that he honored their perseverance. In that moment I also thanked Him for his protection, for giving me wisdom, for protecting me all these years. It humbles me to think that when God chooses to allow me to enter into a covenant relationship, I won't have those same obstacles. Because I haven't had another relationship to compare it to, I don't have to worry about insecurity. I have spent my single years learning about who I am, but most importantly WHO's I am. I know my self worth. I know what I'm capable of and also what I'm not capable of. (Spiders, I'm not capable of dealing with spiders) I have taken trips on a whim. I have stayed up all night. I have entertained friends. Stalked musicians tour buses. I have seen my closest and dearest friends get married, have babies, move, change careers, and I've seen others have their hearts broken into a million pieces. I have moved, changed careers, and had my heart broken into a million pieces. I have loved relentlessly. I have lived every single moment of my life without regret. And I have kept what is sacred, sacred. 

When that day does finally arrive, my spiritual, physical, and emotional purity is the most valuable gift I can give someone & I am overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for stirring my heart and calling me to a life lived closely with Him. I don't think I would've made it out here without Him. Perseverance is hard, but if you're patient & steadfast, God will give you a glimpse of the rewards of being faithful. Keep the holy things holy. Keep asking God for protection & wisdom. Keep seeking God & His will for your life. Keep knocking and in Gods PERFECT timing, the door will swing wide open.