the journey of a thousand miles

Several nights ago I drove home from a wedding and I was buoyant form having spent a really intense yet enjoyable weekend with some really amazing friends, and as I drove down the dark interstate I started thinking about joy.  I began to ponder what that means to me. 

You see joy and happiness are not the same. I can absolutely fake happiness. I can make myself be happy. I can fake it when everyone wants to go to a restaurant that I don’t like. I can be happy for my friends when great things happen for them. I can be ecstatic that I got to have a long weekend TWO weekends in a row. Honestly I’m really good and faking being happy when I’m not.
But joy, true JOY comes from this deep rooted desire for good. It comes from completely letting go & surrendering whatever might be in the way & sacrificing yourself to what God has and knowing it’s the best path- no matter the peaks and valleys. See you can’t fake joy. You can’t conjure it up in the midst of deep and difficult situations, it just doesn’t happen.

“Dear Brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
James 1:2-4

It is not lost on me that weeks before I would begin a journey through the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and faith questioning  time of my life I started a Beth Moore bible study on James-this verse its foundation. As I look back on the last several years, I can see it- an opportunity for great joy. Even in those dark nights that I allowed confusion to rule me, I can now see the journey to joy that God laid out for me to walk. 

Joy is pure, joy is holy & it is a direct result of total surrender. I think for the first time in my life I am completely and totally full of Joy. I’ve been really happy and settled in my life before, but never truly joyFULL. It’s a bit humorous to me actually; I feel like in this moment that everything has come alive-that every struggle and every hardship were worth something.  I feel as if the blinders finally came completely off & I can see life as it truly is- a beautiful, crazy, silly, tough, yet joyous mess. This life is a fight, a constant battle, because we weren’t created for the temporary and the eternal and the temporary will always clash with each other, but in everything consider it pure joy. Endure. Be perfect & complete in God.

“Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.” –Mother Theresa

Holiness Doesn't Live in the Microwave

I have a friend who got a new microwave this week and she sent me a photo on Sunday morning of a seriously complicated piece of equipment & her caption said- "I just want to warm up a muffin!" And I laughed, because I'm the girl who gets out the manual & reads all the instructions & knows exactly which steps to follow to get a desired result! But my friend she's kinda a fly by the seat of her pants person, and she just figures it out by trial & error & you know what-she didn't get to eat a muffin, she ate a breakfast burrito instead, BUT she was totally happy about it!! And here's another thing about me- after all my planning if it goes wrong & I don't get the desired result I have a fit! We (I, ME) are living in a microwave generation. We want what we want, when we want it, as fast as possible! 

This week God has ever so gently (because He pours out more mercy upon my life than I possibly deserve) reminded me that no matter what it is that I want, I ultimately want it on HIS timetable! All too often I don't trust, I look heavenward & shake my fists and demand that God give me a reason why I don't have the things I so desperately want. 

This week I realized that it is in those exact moments that I must posture myself in worship. That I should worship until the praise bursts forth, because it's in those moments that I am closest to the heart of God. And if I can't praise Him in the difficult times, how can I praise him fully in the times that are without trials. It's in that desperation of praise that the spirit of God moves & shakes off the warped views of what I want & what I think I need & my focus shifts to the holy righteousness that brings forth peace, joy, gentleness, and the never failing promises of my CREATOR!! He is never shaken, He doesn't give in to my whims, He moves in His own plan & His own time- and it's perfection. The perfection of a creator who placed every star in the sky, the perfection of a savior who sacrificed everything to redeem me, the perfection of a father who loves me unfalteringly. His perfection is sovereign & it blows me away. 

So in the mean time-I'll just be over here worshipping & praising & being thankful that God calls me gently and mercifully into His Glory!! 

I'm kinda over getting told to throw my hands up in the air.

Being single is really fun, but sometimes it's lonely. There are days that I think it's funny. Sometimes I think it's boring. Other times I can't imagine having to give up this life, and then there are days I just want to share it with someone so badly it hurts. 

Lately I find it's interesting. 

EVERYONE wants to give me advice. They want to ask you if you're dating someone & when you say no (& admittedly scoff a bit) they want to tell you "When you stop looking you'll find a mate." "God has a plan". And then they add these versions of: "You both just aren't ready to be one yet, there are things that you both need to do before that happens." 

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!? 

Because if God has specifically spoken to you about what I need to do, please tell me. I've been begging Him for years, and so far on the subject He's been quite silent. 

I don't need to be placated. 

I know and understand well how the process works. I DO know that God has a plan, I've been walking in that plan for the last 31 years. I have begged God to take my desire to be married away. Bbbeeegggged. So far he hasn't. So I continue to wait. But here is the thing, while I wait, I continue to be productive, I show up to my life, I show up for other people, for their dream come true events, and I quietly continue to beg. Honestly it's absolute anguish. There are days when it's close to unbearable, but I show up for other people-mostly because I love them; but also because I want them to know that they hold a place of honor in my life. 

So tonight I offer you some advice, when you have single friends here's what you don't say:

1."I don't understand why you are still single?!?" 

This one makes me laugh, like belly laugh out loud! I'm still single because I have really high/strict standards that I refuse to compromise. If I wanted a spouse just to have a spouse I could've found someone. That's not what I want. I know that this is a thinly veiled complement, and I am grateful for it, but the backhanded part of it cuts deep.

2."God has your perfect match out there, you just haven't met him yet."

Ok, I do not subscribe to the theory that God has one soulmate picked out for us. I believe that marriage is hard- a continual ebb & flow of working together and apart to be the best versions of yourself- to serve God & serve each other. If God had just one perfect match picked out for us & we all lived in the fairy tale land where we all got married and lived happily ever after that would be great, but that's just not real. Remember that whole free will thing?!? So instead if you know someone single that hasn't met anyone, pray for them. Like really pray, that they are able to protect their heart, that God is gracious, and that they are able to wait for the best that God has for them.

3."I think you would be great with so-and-so." 

DO NOT- I repeat DO NOT try to matchmake someone unless you know them really well, AND they have given you permission. This becomes really awkward really fast especially when people don't give it up. Don't push, it's annoying & people will end up just wanting to avoid you.

4. "Maybe God just wants you to be single." 

Ok. This on a few levels could be true. Paul is pretty clear on this, and no one really wants to burn with passion. But a few blogs back I talked about the fact that God is our first love, we were designed to be in relationship with Him. And maybe God does want me to be single, He just hasn't told me that yet. 

So I say all that to really say: treat those single guys & girls you know with respect and love on them a little extra. Invite them over for dinner, or coffee, or to catch up on your favorite tv show. Respect their space, help them figure out who they are. If you're married show them the real stuff, invite them to see what it's all about. And continue to pray for them. It's lonely out there sometimes.

Two Rotations Around The Sun

It's been 730 days. 

730 days in the new normal. 

730 days since my world was turned upside down. 730 days that I haven't been able to call, or write, or joke, or laugh with you. That chuckle- I miss that, along with the rough feel of your hands. I miss your voice & you getting upset with me for almost scratching your sunglasses. Or getting hay all over your car. I miss riding around with the windows down. I miss your voice. I miss our conversations. I miss pancakes at Cracker Barrel & you testing my salsa at Mexican restaurants. I miss talking about our hopes and dreams. 

I just miss you. 

But I'm not the same person I was 731 days ago, I'll never be that girl again and the new normal feels much more comfortable now. I fought it for a long time. But I didn't want to let go. I see now just how necessary letting go is. It taught me a lot. Letting go of you taught me how to love relentlessly. How to be kind. That people need other people. That we must show up. That we must serve. That letting go and doing these things are how we heal. For the last 2 years I've drawn close to The Lord, I let him heal my broken heart. And the result is an indescribable freedom, wholeness, and a closeness I've always wanted.

The hole your death left in my chest is just a whisper of emptiness now, and I know soon it will close up, but I will carry the scar of loving & losing you forever.

Today I celebrate your life & your story- it's important & it matters. I celebrate who you were to me & everything you've taught me, even in death. 

Tell Me How To Wait Better

I am on a road trip this weekend to attend wedding showers for a dear friend of mine, whose wedding is in April, and in which I am a bridesmaid. And here's where the honesty begins- I didn't want to come. I wrestled with myself for 2 days and I had so much anxiety about it. You see if I'm being completely honest- I want my own turn. I want my dream come true fairytale life. I am tired of watching everyone else get the thing that they desperately want. It gets really really hard to continue to show up, and put on a smile, and celebrate when there are days I feel like I will never get that. And I know I preach: "Embrace your singleness, Live your life!" And I DO! I love my life and I am blessed to be able to live it really well! But that still doesn't ever fully satiate my want of a spouse. Not because I think my spouse will complete me, I am complete in Him. But because I desire to do life with someone by my side. Someone I can turn to when it gets too hard & they will carry me. Someone who will hug me, hold my hand, cook me dinner, and check the oil in my car. And do/be a lot of other things for me too!

The silence of waiting for that is deafening. But there is no choice BUT to wait. I just wish someone would tell me how to wait better. Give me something to do with all this extra energy that my brain uses up trying to figure this out on my own. Then a still small voice says be still. Wait. There is not just better up ahead, there is BEST. And ultimately that is what I want- the BEST. I am reminded of the words of a sweet friend: "In time, perfect time. Not late. Not less. Not cheated. Not the leftovers. But the stored-up-for-you abundance that He’s planning even now." That's what I get when I show up, even when I am empty and broken. Abundance. God hasn't set me aside- He's set me apart. So I'll continue to show up.

Split Screen Sadness

I am currently sitting in my grandmother’s hospital room listening to her quiet raspy breath. I relish in the sound- because too soon it will be gone. She will be gone. And about that I am sad. But also happy. It’s weird. It’s like this constant game of tug of war. You want to hold on as tight as possible because holding on means you win-it means victory; but you want to let go because holding on so tight hurts, as that rope is slowly pulling and rubbing your skin; letting go means you lost. But then I remember I am not holding her here. My mom isn’t holding her here. The only person holding her is Jesus. I rest in the fact that He is in control. He is my hope. We do not mourn as those who have no hope. We don’t lose, and she gains the ultimate victory. But still I’m just sad.

I will miss my sweet MawMaw. She is the matriarch of our family. She taught me what an eight track player was and how to love all types of music, but mostly Conway Twitty. I can remember visiting her as a child in the summers and I would watch Annie on VHS over and over and over again. I am convinced that’s where my love of musical theater began. I will miss her sass. Oh goodness she’s a sassy woman. And I love that about her. I will miss calling her and gossiping with her about all her neighbors. I will certainly miss her cornbread cakes and black-eyed peas and her chicken and rice. Really I’ll just miss all her cooking in general. There were so many Thanksgivings and Christmases that we crammed too many people in her house and too much food in our bellies. I’m sad that she will miss out on many things in my life and the lives of her other grandchildren and great grandchildren. I know she is so proud of each and every one of her children. We are her legacy.  I am sad she is leaving us but I’m also glad that her suffering will end. I’m glad that one day soon she’ll step through those pearly gates and she’ll be able to breathe fully and deeply in a completely healed body. Oh I am so excited for her about that, and so many other things.

I stayed with her in the hospital the other night and she was in a lot of pain and really struggling to get comfortable and I began to rub her forehead and just speak quiet prayers over her. After several moments, she fell asleep and shortly afterward I heard her in her sleep praying. It was the oddest experience, I felt like an intruder, like I was eavesdropping on an intimate conversation that I had no part in. In that moment I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and thanksgiving that this woman was my grandmother; that her strength, determination, faithfulness, and faith flow through my veins.  I am so thankful for all the things I have learned from her, I cherish them all and I will carry them in my heart forever.

‘…here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart).’
-EE Cummings

WORTHY

Alright LADIES. Here it is, the key to your singleness, my singleness, and the happiness of everyone around you WHILE we are single: Know how W.O.R.T.H.Y. you are! I know you’ve heard it said a million times, but this time I mean it- this is the single most imperative thing you can do and I am going to give you six steps  that will help you achieve your greatest potential while you are single.

W- Work hard for what you want. We are not Chicken Little and the sky isn’t falling on your head and neither will any awesome career/friends/husband/life for that matter. You have to get up everyday and know what you want and WORK your hind end off for it. That doesn’t mean that it will be easy, but start where your passion lies. It will grow. If you don’t know what you want, start trying to figure it out. Make a list of things you have interest in and start there. And don’t listen to the negative- you know what you are capable of.

O- Own your own life. Own every piece of it-the good, the bad, and the ugly. When you make a mistake, learn from it. Don’t make the same mistake twice. When you have a great achievement- celebrate it. When you are sad- let yourself feel it & then call all your girlfriends over for movies and ice cream. When you are happy- slide your sunroof open and drive home singing Katy Perry as loud as you can. But whatever state you find yourself in during any given day- own it. It’s your life, you’re living it now and we won’t get a do over.

R- Remember who YOU are. This is a biggie for me. I constantly have to battle myself on the subject of body image. I am happy with myself, but I often wonder what my life would be like if I were a little skinnier. I’d venture to guess that I probably wouldn’t have to rely on my quick wit as much- but I really like my wit, and sarcasm, and my expressive laughter- so I don’t let my mind linger there too often. The thing is- I am my own person, no one is thinking about how I look, or what I said, or the fact that I ate three cookies (instead of the two that everyone else ate) more than I am. No one cares that much about those trivial things! If you surround yourself with positive, loving, life giving people- they just love spending time with you. They don’t care if you didn’t eat your pizza crust, or if you have a bleach stain on your shirt- they just want you. Focus on You and being the best version of yourself. Always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.

T- Take time for yourself. Oh I am awful at this. I think this is a trap as a single woman that I fall into quite a bit. You see I don’t have a spouse or a family to come home to, so that leaves me wide open for over commitment. And more often than not- I over commit. Recently my precious friend Audi over at “How to Make a Biscuit” moved away and was coming to town to visit, she very hesitantly (knowing my affinity to over commit) asked me to host an Arbonne party. At first I was super gung-ho- and really I wanted to do it just because I wanted to spend time with her, but I started thinking about how I was going to be able to fit it in. I got really worked up about it. I finally decided I would do what I could, but I couldn’t promise a big soiree, and she was completely fine with that. I had to commit to what I could do, even if that meant nothing. We have to remember to take time for us. For me that means spending an evening catching up on mindless tv and doing laundry. It could mean anything for you, but just make sure you take that time. It isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

H- Have fun. This summer was a super fun summer for me. Two of my best friend’s came to town & for three weeks straight I acted like a 12 year old. I went to the arcade, dropped parachute men off the balconies of condos, I car sang at the top of my lungs, and stayed up late laughing and talking into the wee hours of the morning. I had fun and having fun makes me a happy and much nicer person. (And PUHLEASE trust me when I say the world really works better when I am a happier and nicer person.)

Y- You matter.

You matter. You matter. You Matter. You Matter. If I could fill this whole page up with that phrase, it still wouldn’t be enough for some people to get it. BUT know that you matter, every hair on your head, every freckle on your skin, every idea, every thing you speak, and everything you do MATTERS. We are all irreplaceable players in this great story of life and it all matters. It is part of a bigger plan and your hopes and dreams and YOU MATTER. Don’t ever think for a nanosecond that you don’t.

So there you have it ladies.

You are Worthy.

Live and breathe and dwell in your worthiness.